For Me

Life is short and you never know when your moment will come. Sounds blah blah blah but you truly never know when you are done. Today I’m tired. I’m tired of keeping things in, even though I don’t know how else to be. I’ve seen death come in many forms and at random times so you’d think this death wouldn’t be so difficult to swallow but it is. With tears forming in my eyes the feeling of alone settles up against me. The world lost a good person this week. I mean an overall good person. You know when someone is just good to be around? Someone who cared not for themselves first? Yeah, that kind of person was lost this week and I’m trying to deal with it bravely but all I want to do is lean on someone and shed a tear or two. This has been a reflection type of experience for me, as so often death does, and it has made me look differently upon many things. One of the things I look upon is the saying, give and it shall be given unto you, but tonight as I write this I question it. Another is knowing based off feeling and I think that maybe knowing is really not knowing anything at all (hard to explain). I’ve liked who I am because I consider myself to think of others first and would give my all to anyone in need or so I hope. I don’t put my worries or feelings out there much because I don’t trust that they will be protected, but sometimes I want to just rest with someone and transparently reveal myself. It is then that a release can take place. I trust in God and know that He is my comforter but I also believe in people that He places in my life and therefore look (sometimes) to them to just know. Can you not see that I am not myself or is it that you care not? No this is not to you, it is for me. I moved people out of my life and I believe that you must do this continually throughout life but sometimes it is not that a removal is needed but more a conversation that’s needed. Writing helps me in so many ways and I can feel the power of it moving as I express myself through words. Lord, I am broken in a couple different ways and I need your help to put me back together again. You know my heart and you know what I need, so I ask that you simply be who You are to me. I’m tired. I can’t carry these things much longer, so will you send me help and when you do, do not allow me to mess it up in any capacity. Well that’s all I got to say tonight.

Fiction vs. Non-Fiction

My Name is Jade

So you wanna know if I got another side huh? Look partna, I will never hesitate to whip ass as needed. Big, medium or small, they all fall the same. I will take a beat down too, but you best believe my return will be fire like you’ve never seen. Why question a history that you play no part in? Don’t you know you should always know the history before you start the battle? Look, my silence is golden but when and if I have to speak on this level, rest assured there are consequences behind responses. I don’t believe in cocking back unless necessary, to which all I’ll say is yeah ok, but these hands will break down the best of em. Yeah, so uh that’s enough of word slanging, now get at me when you ready. Oh and in case you forgot, my name is Jade!

You Gone Walk With Me?

You gone walk with me? You gone trust that my footsteps will lead to you into fresh unchartered paradise? Do you realize that that would be my desire? Do you understand that there would be no limits to how high I’d reach for you? Do you know that I would make it my business to complete you? Do you distinguish that I’d expand your mind in efforts to compose your destiny like a fine tuned symphony? You should allow me to explore you like a dark, deep, moist cave that has never been discovered. Sanction me against you like I was made for you, is where I’d like to be. Would I be allowed to be your puff to your coco? Do you know that I want to be your beginning, middle and end? Do you know that I want to learn you like a,b,c’s? Woman, these footsteps will carry you when you’re in need, when you are ready. Do you know that I pray over you and ask that angels protect you in all of your coming and going? Do you know that your smile provide life? Do you know that I’d plant “us” in fertile ground? I see my gift in your eyes; did you know that? Would you mind if I danced a life with you? Yeah, I’d love to experience that kind of paradise with you. So um, are you gone walk with me?

My Name is Jade

With power comes these things: I’ll get that for you… You stay put, I got it… What do you need… Is there anything I can do?

The unusual moments that creep up that you are not expecting are the ones that provide meaning in life. So there she was, in all her magnificence (yeah I used the right word) coming toward me and there was nothing that could release my eyes from her motion. Strangely enough I was deep into a conversation with someone at the very moment she passed by, but everything/everyone faded away with each step she made. Like a kid in a candy store I knew I had to have her and if it took setting up a lemonade stand to raise money, I was going to do just that so that I could go back and get my candy. Didn’t matter what obstacles lay ahead, all I knew was that I’d never experienced the fading of others in a given space and leaving only “her” within it.
If there is/was anything I was used to, it was getting what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted it. This would prove to be very different for me as her “no’s” became the norm. As you can imagine, anytime you have something worthy of fighting, you will do what you have to do to obtain it. I’ve always been laid back and let things roll off my shoulders because end the end, the ball always rolled to my corner but for some reason this damn ball would not play fair. With each passing day the lure of her grew. Now, yes yes yes, we spent a lot of time together and yes to any questions that may be running through your head, but that’s for another chapter in this book. Since the ball would not play fairly, she became the hour to my glass as our time began to run out due to other factors somewhat beyond my control. While things were not necessarily handed to me always, many times they were but the things I had to fight for are still with me today. She would prove to be no different as I was prepared to suit up my armor and battle for as long as it would take to obtain the desire of core. With so much to lose and gain, I was ready and marched in with weapons drawn (no not literally) and would find that a battle of adoration was like battling myself. There would be so many lessons I’d learn and challenges I push through. Along with some losses, I’d gain some victories but with each clash I’d become stronger for what rest ahead and what rest ahead, not even I was truly prepared for. This is my story and my name is Jade!

Pensive Moment

Pensively in time I lay tired and at wits end. Not sure why I’m reminded of Kings famous words of, “Mine eyes have seen the coming of”, but it’s mystifying at this moment as mine eyes, touch, taste, smell, gift and present have danced in the space of music that is yet not available. To its rhythm I have moved and its cosmos has opened to my existing within it. Have mine eyes deceived me and I’ve visited an unrealistic touch of possibility? Occupation so rich and near that I can taste it, yet its holder clamps firmly on yesterday’s experiences. Still, still I rise (thanks Maya) ready, willing and able to face lost dreams through the hope to which I remain a prisoner of. A piece of me dies daily for a gift that came at exactly the right moment, because I am unable to fully unwrap its offer on me, yet I will tell the mind to rest now, and think no more of yes we can’s but rather rest in your comfort to know that an imprint left behind in space, remains persistently a voice of faith.

Tide

Don’t know how much longer I can exist in this capacity because it staggers me into positions that are not conducive to whom I am. There’s a song that says, “Sitting at the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away” and while it may be a comforting view, I’d want to jump in and roll with it. Take me wherever it will and allow me to experience the full ride of its journey. It’s a beautiful view from where I’m sitting and I want the view to last a while but there are clouds forming on the horizon. I’ll face them with preparation and hope that the beauty to which I am comforted in returns to rare form and hugs me tightly with its charm.

Inspiration

Inspiration comes from many places and there is beauty in it all, if you open up to it. Words on a page, a smile from that someone, a night’s sky, a change of seasons, a baby’s rest, and the nature that lives amongst us are just a few things that provide food to our thoughts. Everything that makes us who we are needs nurturing in some form or fashion. Today my rest came from two places. The first was smile that always opens my pores and allows for fullness to overtake every aspect of who it is that I am. Everything fades when I am under it and it lays upon me and provides comfort and rest; as if to say, “peace be still. I got this.” The second were words on a page which providing a lesson that fed my unknowingly need for the day. To me there is nothing greater than giving and I was reminded that it is who I am, and who I am cannot live fully without sharing my “water” with others. So today I send my words on this paper to myself. Let it be a reminder that, that which I drink shall also be poured out in return.

My Name is Jade

I’m not sure if you ever truly let go of your past. It is what defines me now. If it were not for it, I would not be who I am today. The thing that I grapple with is sometimes it feels easy to become trapped or more less drawn back into it. Power and ability are strong enough to stay with you through whatever you face in life and to have had it at will sometimes carry over into other aspects of my life. The thing that adds to that power is the fact that it was done in silence. Diddy and Biggie were right when they said, “bad boys move in silence”. To me that’s a piece that is lost in todays “world”. Silence is dead. It’s dead from every aspect of the word too. If you are hustling, you feel the need to let the world know and that’s a concept that I just don’t understand. I need to offer up a small piece of advice or wisdom lol…. Those that are seen but not heard are those with power and those that are heard will never be seen as anything but a thug. Last thing… a thug never stays around for long. My name is Jade…

My Name is Jade

Come on and fly with me. Keep up if you can. I will need you to dig your heels in, put on your belt and hold on tight. There will be moments when you want to shut your eyes, and when you get that urge, I suggest that you do. Look, all I’m saying is that I know that you’ve never experienced anything close to what I am about to show you. That doesn’t mean be afraid, it means be prepared. Understand that what I am telling you real and you should not doubt it. This, this right here will cause you to think beyond what you are accustomed to thinking. As a matter of fact, let’s call this experience an expansion. You ready? This is my world and my name is Jade.

I Bought You

You was on sale and so I bought you. I didn't really want you, nor did I have a taste for you but the price was good so a purchase was made. I set you on the counter and gave you no mind and figured I'd get to you when I got to you. You seemed content with where I placed you. Time passed and there you stayed and I gave no mention of you. Before long it was time to replace you and it meant nothing to me. The price I'd paid were pennies in a bucket and just like that you was out with the trash. Not a thought was given of you, and all...all...because you didn't value your own you!

Sister you are more than a body! You are priceless!

Heart of Opportunity

Can a heart be in 2 places? I have heard this question asked before and for me the answer is hands down no. You only have 1 heart to give and/or share, so when you place it in a place, it is there to remain until you take it away. Sure your thoughts can be in many places but when one has the heart of another, then the one with it holds the box of opportunity. It is for them to understand the opportunity and too protect it as needed. Protection comes in many forms and I mean it in many ways. I may distract someones attention but if a heart is taken then the distraction will be limited by time; that is to say, only if the keeper of it protects it. A kingdoms weakness should never be revealed to others outside it because there are others that want it. Therefore a King is to protect, keep, cherish, feed and love his kingdom and understand the needs of it. If another makes their way into the kingdoms chambers then it is bound to fall, as now the other has tasted its offers and shall surely desire it as their own. Keep what you cherish, under protection and listen to the heart of your opportunity.

Motionless Life

She is all that makes life move but yet I am motionless to reach her. No matter which words I choose for they fall upon deaf ears. From flowers to gifts they all end in failed attempts. Through phone calls and text message an expression is given, only to be deleted and not taken in. From and through effort a design is formed, and through determination something new is born. From those I find ways to feed my purpose even when adversity stares me in the eye and says I cannot or will not obtain that which you seek. Look at me, all ready, willing and able to transcend "myself's" still body and transform it into a seamless work of you. You may not see, feel, taste or touch the meanings of these words but I pray that one day you may find that my move is contoured to your motion and that its outline is dotted with you as a part of me. Do I write more or have these black letters on this white paper said enough? ....to be continued....

Come Outside

Come on outside and enjoy this days spring air
Lap me up with dew delight
Start another moment but make it fresh
Live in the moment with care

Watch me move all around you
Catch me as deep as you can
Ha ha, stop and smell my roses
Taste this new

Pause for second in your mind
See what pleasures abound
Feel its breathe among you
Go slowly, for we have nothing but time

Hey you, yes you, whose smile matches my offer
Look your garden is full of passions fruit
I've supplied the fertilization to your moon
All that is needed now is to remove the buffer

Yeah it's a nice day to be out
I wanted you to have joy in every corner
I'm at your back while reaching your front
After today you'll have no doubt

Bet you hadn't planned on this
Surrounded by the essence of essence
OMG just for you?
It's your everything that once was your wish list

Slowly, slowly I will treat you to today's gift
You see, you touch, you taste, you experience
All, all that I've come to give
And presented to you; will you except ****?

Elijah Christopher-Dey House

I remember singing to you inside your mothers womb. I remember rubbing her belly, and every time I did, you would move closer to my hand. I knew you could hear my voice and feel my touch, long before you would see the light of this world. I remember seeing you for the first time. You were so small and covered in body fluids. The doctors/nurses took you to be washed, measured and weighed you, and all the while you never really made a sound. I remember the first time I held you in my arms; to my joy, you smiled. I lifted you up to my face and smelled your beautiful skin. My nose to yours, my eyes to yours, I knew my life would never be the same again; it would be forever better. Tears formed in my eyes, as it was a love I'd never experienced. I swear I got you to smile at me the day that you was born lol. I get a little teary eyed now as I think about your first day with me. I could tell that you felt at home with me as I held you. There were many people there to greet you, but when I held you first and it were as if I were holding an angel. You had on one of those hospital caps lol, looking like joy. I have had many joyful moments with you and I want you to know that daddy will always love you. I've loved you long before the light of this world shined upon you.

Learning Love

I often write about love as I've been blessed to experience, taste, touch, smell, give, except, witness and miss it, so it breathes in me and with everything in my lungs it expresses me. Ironically I miss its exposure to me as it is dangled in front of me only to never be had. I learn from it though. Things like words and their meaning. Things like expressions and the things behind them. Things like desires and the reason for them. Things like expectations and why they are placed. Things as simple as a touch or peck on the cheek and the offer applied to them. Forms of love come in many packages and I am thankful that today I learn just what love truly is and how it truly conforms to the many situations that abound me daily. More recently I touched a future of endless joy and possibilities and enjoyed its feel and with its touch came the pause of loves power. Yet today I still dance in loves melody, as I've learned that it's a gift and any pleasure in it should be placed as joy. So I have joyfully watched smiles, dances, touches, kisses, hugs, laughter and even arguments pass over time and I so look forward to today's gifts.

Confusions Light

Confusion use to surround me but now more clearer do I see things. As if trapped by loves blinding light, I could not make sense of the beauty before me. I could feel the design of it's contour and knew that its makeup was created to fit my layout, but for reasons beyond my realm I could not make the pieces of "now", fit the pieces of "yes". It was my bridge of clouds that I felt was my destiny and I was ready to walk it. "Here, grab my hand and follow me", and with that a reach back was left void. Was the bridge placed for me? Would I have enough faith to still trust that it was? Unmoveable and strong was the connection I felt while standing on it. Indeed must I walk it, even if no hand was there to bind mine. What a tall order to fill, but along the way I discovered how easy the journey would be and the clouds to which I once viewed were suddenly clear and there was no more confusion and there stood the light of love and all her beauty was truly defined as - YOU!

My Name is Jade

So there I was sitting in the back seat of a police car. Humiliated as people were walking by to see who was sitting in the police car. I tried to lean down but the officer said, "sit up". It was a feeling I'd never forget but sadly it was a feeling I would experience more times then I would have liked too. I was booked into custody which meant I was finger printed, photoed, searched and had all my property that was on me taken, even my clothes. I was given an orange jump suit and oh, they took my drawls too because they were not white. FYI if you are committing crimes, I'd suggest that you were white underwear just in case you get caught, you can leave them on. After being given a peanut butter sandwich and milk (which I gave away) I, along with others were led to our new "rooms", better known as jail cells. Now I was arrested around 1pm and didn't get into my room until 2am. Yeah, it's a process and I think it's a process that is setup to piss you off.

The next morning, the lights came on and the jail cell doors were unlocked. It was time for breakfast. Locked up for the first time causes your appetite to go away, so I planned to just sit and wait until someone came to bail me out; only I wasn't the only person in my cell and he offered some advice to me, "I'd come get this food cuz. It's gone be a while before they come back around". So I jumped down off my cot and walked toward the line to which the food was being handed out. As I reached the door and looked down at the officer passing the food out, I realized I knew him and he realized the same, but there are moments when you know not to acknowledge such things, and this was definitely not the moment. It was simply an understanding between us. Surprisingly that moment would change my life forever and would be both a positive and negative experience for some time to come.

My name is Jade

All

I live. I learn. I love. I'm thankful that I am allowed to do them all.

Footing In Good

Do you not think that if I am pushed I will not move? Though my footing is grounded and planted in fertile soil, as with anything that brings non-unity, one must be moved. I look not for your push but for your stance. Your stance at my side to catch me if I fall. I look for your words to uplift me when my world is uncertain. I look for your nurture to keep me where I need keeping. If you are not there for these things, my place is darkened. If you are not there my light is dimmer. Don't you know that your presence feeds my soul? Don't you know that your smile freshens my air? Do you not know just how much you've become needed in my universe? Do you not know I pray for your rest? Do you know not that I will always stand in your battle, ready, willing and able to take on anything in an effort to build with you a new something? I place my foot where it is ordered and every foot print I leave behind takes me right back to you. Now, now it's time for those foot prints to walk along-side you.