Suicide

Suicide is a real thing. It affects many people around you rather you realize it or not. I am no doctor and I have no formal training in regards to depression or suicide, but I would like to offer up advice to everyone; listen to those around you. I mean listen to their everything. Always speak life into their life. If you hear sadness or pain, talk about it. Ask them if they are ok, but in order to get them to open up, they will have to know that you are asking because you care. You have to be sincere in your listening. Their very life could depend on it.

I lost my cousin in the tragic club death in Chicago. He was trampled to death after a panic inside the club and tragically 20 other young adults were killed as well. I think about him a lot but I also think about his mother, my aunt Mary. I can feel her brokenness every time I see her. I can see her sparkle has dimmed a lot. I am sure there have been moments where she has felt that the pain would never leave and that it would be easier to simply rest, but by the grace of God she still stands in the gap. I have failed her because I have not asked her how she is doing. I haven't asked in part because I already know but perhaps she would still like someone to just listen. Sometimes I think she can read my thoughts and that she'll just know that I'm here for her but I cannot trust in that and I will do better.

Love Replacements

A few words that can be used to describe love:

Adulation
Affection
Allegiance
Amity
Amorousness
Amour
Appreciation
Ardency
Ardor
Attachment
Delight
Devotedness
Enchantment
Fervor
Relish
Rapture
Piety
Passion
Zeal
Weakness
Partiality

Um, I am not sure if those are valid though. They seem temporal.

Open Your Windows

Open your windows and take in the breath of life. Enjoy the endless moonlight that covers our voids. Count as many stars as you can until you run out of numbers. Enjoy the night sounds of the air. Sit or stand and marvel at the beauty in it all. Find yourself lucky enough to see a shooting star. Locate the big and little dipper in the Heavens above. Notice the calm of the hour. Let these things entice you to remain still in it and reflect of your gifts. Some small, some big, some you can see, feel and touch, but rejoice in those that can only be experienced. So many empiricism's are presented this night and with any gift, it is meant to be shared. I share this with you tonight in hopes that you slow down and take in all that is around you. Sink into the purity of the nights soul. Rest in the symphony amongst you. Love in the dance of life. This is an opportunity, so go ahead and inhale and breathe a new breath of life.

My Name is Jade

No more than 3 seconds of darkness had passed when the lights came back on, but a lot can happen in 3 seconds and when they turned on all I heard was a booming question bellowing through the staircase; “What the fuck are you doing?” I looked to the left of me and could see my driver was unconscious and being carried deeper into the basement by 2 men that seemingly came from no where. The other passenger in my car was the one that shouted the question and no sooner than he asked, the “home-owner” replied, “Would you really like to find out?” Keep in mind I'm still standing on the last step observing. I noticed that the others that came in the other car didn't have a look of confusion, but rather it was a look of confirmation. They knew why, what was being done, was being done. The only people that were clueless were my driver, the passenger and of course myself, but unlike the passenger I know when not to open to my mouth and to remain calm. I could sense the tension around me and I was hoping that the passenger would answer the question correctly. I am not sure if it was fear or confusion that prevented him from uttering a word, but it was exactly how he needed to respond to the question before him. “O.K, gentlemen shall we get down to business?”

How did I get myself back in this mess? What exactly is the business we are getting into? My name is Jade.

B-Day

Another day, another year! To the Angel that I know, I say Happy Birthday to you. 365 days have passed since your last BIG occasion and it represents a change in your life. This is the year you become stronger and boulder and opportunities will come to you and they will knock until you answer. You shall have much to smile at this year. Some peoples birthday signifies things like travel, prosperity, increase, and wellness, and I know that this year yours happens to be NEW. Not for reasons you may think either, but NEW is definitely headed your way throughout the year. Enjoy it all and again Happy Birthday to you!

TD - H

Brown skin, swan like elegance, charm of brilliance and a smile that even the birds have a special melody they sing when they see it. Hands of hope, eyes of rest and hair that winds smile at the opportunity to blow it. Lips of sweet cream, laugh of spring, so warm that angels are moved to sing. The move of her dance will put you in a trance if given the way to her gift. The tease that she flashes with such pretty eye-lashes leaves you needing more. Her back is smooth, soft and silky to the way of her song, but in order to hear it you must take your time and the waves shall gush out like broken bottles of wine. My goodness her shoulders, collar bone, arms, legs and toes are nothing short of delightful and if you didn't hear me, let me say it again, yes her toes are nothing short of delightful :). Her chest and stomach will cause me to stop writing because that visual is way to exciting!

Brother King

Finally you have become a man. God fearing, husband, brother, friend, father and head of your household. Here you stand strong in your rightful place as King to this time and place. So profound are your footsteps for what you shall leave behind will be purposeful and timeless. Black man, you have to know how needed you have been. You had to be overwhelmed at the destruction of your lineage. You had to wonder when the insanity of self committed violence against your kind would cease. You had to wonder where the fathers were all those years. You had to wonder who would protect our daughters. You are now a nation of Kings for which moves throughout the land. Your reign shall last an eternity and become the fabric of our being. I'm so glad you picked up this mantle and are carrying it well. It must be settling to know that our brothers and sisters that have been lost over the years did not perish in vain. For every black male that hope was lost on and he in it, we now have you. For every black woman that looked for love in all the wrong things and places, we now say, no more. Teacher, provider, protector, leader, giver and knight in shining armor are you! So nice to have you at the dinner table. So nice to have you helping with homework. So nice to see you in the stands at the games. So nice to see you walk her down the aisle. Do you know what it means to have you in your rightful place? I know you've faced many remonstrance in order to arrive at this place and my heart weeps of your past but I am thankful that you pressed on. My King, my friend, my brother thank you! You had to wonder whether or not we would put down the weed, alcohol, guns, crack, abuse, joblessness, babies all over the place with different women, homelessness, jail, no education and the self given name that represents weak (nigger). You had to wonder when someone would stand up and say STOP! Did you know it would be you? Did you know that you had the power to stop our daughters, sons, brothers and sisters from such demise? Did you know that all you'd have to do is step in place? Heck did you even know you had a place? How did you make it through all those obstacles? It had to be God! He had to keep you safe. He knew we needed you. He knew the power in you. He protected you from so much. Even when you did face challenges, He guided you through them. My King I am so glad that you are home...Here in your rightful place! Welcome home BROTHER!

I Wasn't Prepared

I wasn't prepared for this. Strong, wise, street handled, women educated and smooth stay calm under any situation personality and still I wasn't prepared for this. Suppose to see the bus coming, right? It's huge enough, right? It makes enough noise, right? It's bright enough, right? It's color stands out, right? It has lights and a stop sign that flashes for goodness sake, and still I wasn't prepared for this. It slid around the corner unseen and unheard this day. Funny thing is it wasn't even a school day so it shouldn't have been out that day. I didn't think that there was anything unnatural when it stopped in front of me and opened the door and said, “get in”. The ride was nice and smooth. Shoot it even had a nice sound system with TV's throughout. The wheels were sitting on spinning dubs and the windows were limo tinted black. Darn it I didn't care where it was headed, all I know is, I was in for the ride. It was a smooth ride too, until it hit a pothole. We must have been speeding because I was tossed from my seat and hit my head on the roof. It hurt like hell too. Here I am laying on the floor and the bus keeps going, seemingly distracted by the road in front of it. Do I yell “stop, I'm hurt”? Na, I'm good! I've been around the block before so let me get my butt up and get back in my seat but this time let me put my seat belt on so that I'll be prepared the next time we hit a snag. You may be wondering why I'm not getting off the bus and the answer is, I can't because this bus was made just for me. It has everything I like and need and it came to my home to pick me up at exactly the right time. While I wasn't prepared for round 1, I most certainly will be prepared for round 2, 3, 4 and whatever else this bus has in store for me.

Called

To those that called to serve, blessed be the footprints you'll leave behind. Your words are to be transforming to men hearts. Your ability to renew a broken vow shall be your power. Through your touch blessings will fall. Be careful of your thoughts for even they have power. Your tongue shall be used to dance up the good in all things. Celebrate the Kingdom at hand for it's time is near. Stand strong through your storms speak a calmness across the land. Trust in His power and in His word and hide them within your heart that you might not sin against them. Teach like none before you, yet follow the tracks that have been laid for your trail. Walk by faith and not what you may see, for your eyes may tempt you to fall off course. Bring others unto you so that they may rest in His presence. Listen daily. Do daily. Pray daily. This is my goal, this is my future! Now watch Him work a new thing through me. Dig in with me and hold on tight and enjoy the ride with me. It's going to be a great ride, unlike non other.

Under my Skin

She gets under my skin in a way that keeps me tossing and turning and yet I remain optimistic that I will get her. She runs away from the closeness that brings joy and I keep chasing regardless. She places limitations on me and still I try to climb that wall. She tells me never and I ignore those words and press on. She says to give up but determination and desire drives me to not. She says you'll always be my good friend and yet she stays in my future as my queen and I stay in place as her king to her earth. She says her heart is elsewhere and I keep searching to find it, to place it in a better place. She says she'll stay away and yet I awake with joy of her presence that awaits me. She says I will no longer kiss you but I still feel her lips upon me. She says not to wait for her, and I do no such thing – instead I stand for her. She fights me daily on every issue and still I smile in her fight. She does the opposite of what you'd expect and yet my adjustments are easily made to accommodate what may be. She wonders why her and I wonder why not. She wonders if what I do and say is real, and to that I say trust in the joy that surrounds me when you are near. She wonders why I put up with her and it is because I already love my future with her. She says that I am confident and I say it is because I know that I know that I know. She says it is scary and I say I will do everything in my power to comfort you and that you can rest and trust in that. She says NO daily and yet I keep asking in hope, of which I am a prisoner of.

So why would I not give up and move on to the next best thing? Here let me explain it like this:

She is all that is and can be good. The passion that burns when near her calms the sea in my world. Her beauty is not only outward and inner but it moves and flows throughout her. I can feel her from across a crowed room without seeing her. My lungs pause in an effort to catch up to my heart that races when I am with her. I don't need to have sex with her but to make love to her is like spring at it's peak. I delight in her future endeavors because she will be blessed in all that she does. Pause for a second and think of someone that makes you want to be better – she drives that in me. Her laughter causes an uncontrollable smile upon my face and her hurts rips me apart. There is nothing that I cannot do with her by my side and not to sound cheesy but behind every good man is a good woman. She is seed to my mud and when she is planted in my soil, our harvest will be abundant and fresh. To say that she is smart would not be enough, nor are the words that I've used thus far to describe her. The curve of her waist, the shape of her hips and humps of her chest, down to the sway of her gaunt, to the deepness in her eyes, she personifies beauty. Rest is what she has for me. Joy remains wrapped up in her bosom. So when asked, why not move on to the next best thing, you now know that she is my next best thing and so much more. I may her her and I may not, yet I worry not of those things. I am too busy looking to find ways to win her heart that belongs to me. wink wink

My Name is Jade

Here I find myself rolling in the back seat of rimmed up, smoked out tinted 760 BMW, followed by a black Bentley Continental. It's 11pm on a weekday and I'm being driven by 2 men in the front seat. Both are armed. Can't help but think, “how did I get myself back in this situation?”. I've been out of a certain type of lifestyle for some time now, and yet here I am being driven around again, only this time I am not sure what we are going to do or where we are headed. Heck I don't even know who the hell is following us. Weird thing is, I'm good! It's like being back in a position that I was born to be in, only not exactly. I'm reminded of Biggie Smalls lyrics, “bad boys move in silence”, and suddenly I'm game for whatever we are rolling into. Um, is the trunk loaded with powder? Are we headed to check some fool? Are we just making stops? Fuck it! I'm in!

We finally arrive at a home. We pull into the driveway and the car following parks in the street. I swear I can give you an exact detail description of every home and car on that street. My driver gets out and goes to ring the bell. I can tell from his stance that I should be alert. The porch lights come on and the door opens. My driver gives the nod for us to come in with him. I pause for a second to allow for everyone that was meant to go in to get out the cars. “Jade, long time my dude”, shouted one of the passengers getting out of the Bentley. I give the classic black man's nod and we had inside. Keep in mind I have no idea what we are doing here, but you gotta know my brain is as alert as an idiot in a cage with a lion. The homeowner (I suppose he owned it) greeting everyone with a hand shake but I noticed that he did not say his name. We followed him through the sitting area and through the kitchen (I could smell pasta and bread too) and headed downstairs. There were 6 of us altogether walking downstairs with me at the end of the line. Something is not sitting well with me. I can't put my finger on it though, but it is definitely something wrong....One-by-one we reach the bottom of the staircase and just as I am about to hit the bottom.......the lights go out!

My name is Jade

Transforming Smile

Thing is you transform me into something new, something un-found and something I'd like to share. Thing is your smile uplifts my mornings. Thing is the sound of your voice delights my soul. Thing is, I have to repeat that last sentence cause your voice truly does delight my soul. Thing is I'm up early in the morning writing this cause I'm thinking about you and I'm smiling. Thing is I'm enjoying winning, working, trying, hoping, wanting, thinking and praying for your affection that I'll suffer long. Thing is I'm having trouble finding the exact words that describe you. Beautiful is too simple. Kind is too unjust. Giving is not enough. Thoughtful is too hidden. Nice is too mediocre. Thing is your kiss is strong enough to move my mountains, and your touch forgets all. Thing is your eyes touch my space and stops my heart. Thing is, in a room full of people all I see is you. Thing is you make me need to be a better man. Thing is I didn't see you coming but it was not my vision to which you were placed in front of me. Thing is I just paused and thought of something you did and smiled. Thing is my momma should meet you. Thing is your skin has me craving caramel. Thing is I'm suppose to keep these things to myself but I feel the urge and need to express them somehow. Thing is if I had only an ounce of these things from you, it'd be enough to spread love around the world....TWICE. Thing is you transform me into something new!

God

To say that God has been good to me, is a true understatement! Trust me, He has looked out for me, protected me, and saved me from myself so many times. Saying thank you is simply not enough.

Candy Bar

Surprised is where you might find your heart. You might be left to wonder how you arrived at this destination so quickly. Words are formulated to express thoughts and give meaning to experiences, yet often times they cannot fully convey matters of the heart. It is the beat of our day and the magic of our lives. It is our gift that continues to be unwrapped throughout our time here. Around every corner there’s potential for what I will call joy and this particular corner that I have turned, I surprisingly have found it wrapped in a nice, sweet chocolate candy bar package. This bar is silky smooth with a surprise at the end. It has the ability to melt in your mouth with a gush of flavor that leaves you in a wow state of mind. I can smile from the thought of it. I can dream thinking of it. I enjoy it so much that the entire flavor of it leaves my heart graving for more. I’ve been left to search for words that truly define the need to have it with me daily, yet none justify how deeply the desire for it is. Sadly this bar is not available in my town, but rest assured I will petition for it daily until it is obtainable just for me! Yup- All this for a sweet beautiful chocolate bar that surprised not only me, but has managed to steal my heart!