Shout out to the heart…

Shout out to the heart…

Bruh, shout out to the heart and all that it suffers in. Shout out to the heart for it calls upon deaf ears and beats to silent souls. Shout out to the heart, for it flows along dead currents. The heart contains so much and is expected to just keep beating no matter what the mind, body and soul feel. Shout out to the heart is it is long suffering, and its only ask is that it is nourished right and cared for properly. Shout out to the heart because that last sentence is something it rarely experiences; instead the heart is misused, mistreated, taken for granted, but sooner or later it will be depended on to sustain life. Shout to the heart that will push, fight and warm the body. Shout out to that bad mofo…the heart is a beastly thing.

The Heart

Shout out to the heart…

Bruh, shout out to the heart and all that it suffers in. Shout out to the heart for it calls upon deaf ears and beats to silent souls. Shout out to the heart, for it flows along dead currents. The heart contains so much and is expected to just keep beating no matter what the mind, body and soul feel. Shout out to the heart is it is long suffering, and its only ask is that it is nourished right and cared for properly. Shout out to the heart because that last sentence is something it rarely experiences; instead the heart is misused, mistreated, taken for granted, but sooner or later it will be depended on to sustain life. Shout to the heart that will push, fight and warm the body. Shout out to that bad mofo…the heart is a beastly thing.

Here's the thing... (My key your lock)

Here’s the thing….

A key can fit one lock, yet open many doors and you are just the master.  It’s pretty easy to like you, and even love you. You make the most vibrant of dreams come to reality when you smile. Only a fool could witness such a thing and not desire to hold on to it…then those deep set eyes that’s like gravity pulling you in closer only adds to the passion that the hearts beat plays to.  Man how it is possible that I see her in the sunlight? The damn sun is freaking YELLOW, but she’s a perfect smooth, love, brown skinned, exquisiteness work of art. Tell me how is that possible….the SUN!!!! I haven’t even touched her yet, but I can feel her skin wrapped around mine. Bro, I would take my time and explore every inch, every smell, every touch, every kiss, every taste, every feel that I’m pleasured to be given such privilege. I can only imagine what it would be like to hold her so close that her breathing dances to my strokes of passion. Man I know she’s carrying the lock that I simply have to open.  I will slide it in slowly, making sure I hit every part needing the cut…all the while slightly turning it from left to right…in and out to make it glide just right.

 

Dude….here’s the thing….I hope you don’t plan on giving her this letter cause this some weird ass shit! Just tell the damn girl you like her, wtf. Aiset seems like a really nice girl and would prob think it’s cute…but damn, you can’t give her this shit.  Fucking lock and keys shit. You aint no damn Sam Smith in shit.

Spotlights...(Take Off Your Clothes)

Spotlights…..

The lights on you, now what are you planning or better yet, what will you do with it?

Fuck all that… TAKE off all your clothes! I’m serious...take them all off and stand right here.  Don’t say anything. I just need you to prep your mind to get ready to receive this DICK.  I may or may not start with my tongue licking around your pussy. I may let it drape across your lips, or maybe your clit, or maybe I may just let it slide inside you. All these maybe’s, and I just simply do not know everything that I plan to do to you, but what I do know is that I need you to take all your clothes off right now! Every second that you take to make that happen will only lead to a more sensual thought flowing into my head! Look, it’s plain and simple…we are fucking tonight! You’re about to get every inch of this dick. The only thing that I must decide is how soon will you get it.  Will you continue to drag this thing out and cause my imagination to wonder further? Or will you simple comply with the request that I’ve made? TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!  Stop looking at my dick too! It will soon make a grand appearance, and when it does it will definitely want to submerge itself in a pool of wetness. I’m sorry…I’m just not in the mood to play games tonight! WE ARE FUCKING tonight, and I need you to wrap your head around that. Now t…a…k…e…….off…..y…o…u…r…….clothes!

I see you’re not answering you phone, so I’ll just go ahead and make this public

I see you’re not answering you phone, so I’ll just go ahead and make this public...

Woman you have no idea what I plan to do to you when you get home.  Everywhere I look I see you. From the fruit on the counter, to the juice in the frig. Please don’t be mad, but woman I need to explore you in a way that my mind has never explored before! These juicy oranges that I envision dripping down my chin reminds me of you. Woman, this ice-cream in the freezer that’s probably melting from the thoughts that I wanna do with it…on you…is driving me crazy.  I can’t escape it woman! Woman, even this white milk has me imagining how we could turn it into some tasty chocolate milk.  Maybe if I melted down a chocolate candy bar and dipped you in that milk…. Woman, I don’t think you understand the limits to my imagination that seemingly don’t exist tonight. Woman, I want every light on in this house, because I want to see all that you will be offering me tonight! You know how they use strawberries in movies to create something sensual? While, forget all that…I plan to be your sensual delight by standing buck ass naked in this kitchen with a bowl of fruit next to me when you walk in this door. I don’t even know what I will do with it, but I do know that my tongue will grave a juice that no fruit contains. Woman, you will be my quenchable thirst! Think I’m playing woman? I…AM…Not… This will be a night that turns into day, and I’m trying to forewarn you now. Woman, I need you right here, right now. Woman, tonight I plan to be all the man your mind, body, soul, thoughts, desires, passions and curiosity ever imagined!  Now hurry up and bring me my juice!

Beautifully Cute

Beautifully Cute

 

I don’t really feel like writing, but I happened upon something so inspiring that my fingers felt like dancing.  I don’t really know what it was; maybe it was her smile or the radiant vibes that oozed out of her skin. I don’t know if Crayola has been able to capture her color, but I’ll just call it picturesque. I don’t know how the world hasn’t stopped to pay homage to her, but damnit if it won’t, I sure will. I don’t know what it means when a smile literally causes my fingers to dance to words. I don’t really care either, cause she has such a rhythm that I wanna dance too. I don’t know why y’all are wondering who I’m writing about…hell, she’s tagged in this. I don’t know why He made you so beautifully cute, but I’m glad I ran into you in that hallway…..or rather you tried to put pennies in that vending machine 😊.

Cliche

Cliché

It’s so cliché to say what the obvious is….

Things like the color of ones eyes,

Or the memorizing smile that tends to capture ones imagination

How bout the premise of a thought about ones presence?

The fact that the very thought of one can bring an escape into paradise for a moment or two

You’re so beautiful seems such the normal thing to say,

But isn’t it cliché to want to seek the dictionary to explore a deeper level of expression to state a thing?

Think about it for a second….

You find someone that you find interesting, kind, pretty, smart or intriguing

What few words will the tongue allow the mouth to escape?

It can be pretty powerful when those words are no longer enough…

So you seek to find a better understanding of why different words should be applied

Wonder if prayer would be so kind to explain why even ones ears are fascinating…

Or how tiny, yet spectacular ones eyes are…

Even the way ones nose rises slightly as one smiles…

And in that way one walks, sometimes looking back to see if there was notice in ones movement

You hear all the ‘ohh baby’, and the ‘excuse me beautiful’…

Yet everyone says that…I guess it’s because it can all be so

Cliché

This Lil Green Dress

This lil green dress

What up bruh….yo so I’m going crazy over this lil green dress that Aiset had on the other day. Man don’t trip but her skin dripped from that dress…..wait…wait… before you start tripping, let me explain a lil more. OK, so you know how you see someone that catches your eye right…so much so that you just gotta say something to her?  Well she got me like that. The other day though, man she smiled my way and I pulled her close in my mind and kissed those lips of hers….MAN, stop laughing…I’m frfr. You know she had her braids in, so my dumb ass starting hearing African beats and shit, and I envisioned her swaying to a rhythm I wanted to rock with….MAN stop laughing.  Man you know what, I’m bout to go anyway. Yo ass not ready to hear the rest of this anyway.

Smiling Roots

I was preoccupied with a few things but through my movements I glanced up and noticed something magnificent.  There, deep in the far distance, there ability was...planted firmly and confident.  It was surrounded by fallen beauty, and lifelessness. Void seemed to mount itself around it, yet it stood boldly, vibrantly and in my amazement, I thought about how our lives have these similarities. We can get so caught up in what we allow our thoughts to see, but what if we looked deeper and searched for the life around us instead. If we just look up and take in all that’s around us, perhaps we too can find the magnificent charms that abounds us. Yea, I kind of like that. Full of color, there it stood. I swear I looked so deep that I saw it smiling in pure joy. Bareness, and change had to be yelling for it to do the same, but a circle of life simply exuded from it; so-much-so that the call of change couldn’t be heard. I think today, I’ll do the same, and listen to what my heart guides me to do. It was planted in the same foundation as those around it, but it chose a different path for its roots. In all that, my confirmation came that it’s ok to be different and stand out. It’s a beautiful thing to see it.

Hot Tea

How do you soften words when what you wanna say is just straight to the point?

I guess you just put some chill music on and let the pen flow

How do you keep your eyes closed when something so beautiful graces your space?

I guess you close your eyes and get lost in the darkness

How do you not pay homage to the gifts that you see that she carries?

I guess you don’t donate to your thoughts

How do you not take in the smile that she has that changes all things?

I guess you find a piano and become Stevie Wonder

How do you not Wonder what fruit she will bring once planted?

I guess you never water her seed

How do you contain the taste for her?

I guess you sip hot tea to burn your taste buds or something…but hell I don’t know!! I’m running out of words to tell you shit.  Hell I guess you just tell her, show her, ask her or whatever, but no more questions please!

So you gotta a little fear

Yet you contain a world of vivacity

So you’re forced to walk in blindness

Yet your path is lit with the melodies of Angelic musical notes

So it’s just you, and you alone

Yet you are surround by love

So it seems there’s no rest for the weariness of your heartbeats

Yet each beat creates a new rhythm for all to dance to

So you smile behind the pain

Yet the beauty it brings transforms all those around it

So you may not see the splendor that covers you

Yet no darkness lives in your space

So you question so much and wonder if you matter

Yet it is you that inspire these words for which this paper now holds as a testament to you

So……..you …..just keep shining and keep your beauty flowing to touch the world

Delectable Vibe

I bet that you can’t escape her delectable vibe

It’d be a waste of time to not pay witness to what she exudes

None of that mysterious crap will she leave behind

She just is force alone

She is the gravity that will keep pulling you back to her

You will not leave her the same as you came

Only better shall one be amidst the gifts she graces one’s soul

Her touch transforms all things and her kiss warms humanity

She smiles, and you know that God must be real

Be ready and prepared for a new change if you find yourself floating in her clouds

Understand that all searches will seize in her

She is that delectable vibe that’s impossible to escape

You see, no one wants to leave paradise

She is the utopia of all dreams and I bet you don’t wanna wake

DAYYYYUMMMM MOMMA

Why'd he make you like that? I mean dayyyummm! You can't possibility know how beautiful you are. Yea I know you get this everyday all day and I'm just another man throwing words at you. I'm sure it's nothing you haven't heard a thousand times, but I'm serious. If I may explain... I like you have heard men through words around like air, so if you have a moment I'd like to tell you my thought of you. Now let me go ahead and ask for your forgiveness because I may be blunt in my approach. OK, so you went out and purchased this form fitting dress right? You got up to do your hair and probably shaved within the last few days right? Those heals caught your eye as soon as you peeped them right? That purse, bag, satchel, throw over, handbag or whatever you're calling it was FIRE when you saw it right? I'm not sure because you're a natural beautiful WOMAN, but occasionally you might through on a little makeup, lipgloss or lipstick right? OK so imma just get to it. All those things that you prepped yourself for today, has caught my eye and I thought that you should know. Now I know you're 'in a rush', but had I not gotten this off my chest, it would've bothered me all day. OK that's all I wanted to tell you and I hope you have a lovely day. ..........7 seconds later as she strolls on......... He yells, 'Oh yea, I forgot to say the blunt part. DAYYYUMMM that ass though. Don't walk so damn fast momma, I'm tryna see that thang in slow mo. Shitttt'dddd can I get a selfie with that thang?' Moral of the story...... There is none and I just felt like writing today :).

Here's To Ya

So I thought about you this morning. I thought about how you always pushed me to become better than I was in that moment. I thought about the confidence you gave me earlier on in life. I thought about how you always told me to speak my mind. I thought about how you taught me to always look to protect those around you. You taught me to do what you say you're going to do...even in the smallest of things. You taught me to always give more than I receive. You taught me when to fight and when to walk away. You taught me to never take no for an answer when I know it should be yes (if it betters a situation). You taught me those things and so much more. So today, I'm thankful for you who stares me in the mirror every morning......and I say, thankful!

Her Intents

Slow was her intent and naive was his decision. Blinded by her deception, he found himself entangled in her web of destruction. Sexed beyond his imaginable thoughts, he found himself unable to resist what that mouth had to give. Unblinded in fact he was, yet her talent concealed his vision and he gave all possessions unto her. Not even Adam could restrain himself from losing paradise. So what strength would he have to not drive every curve of her? There was no good that could come of it, yet his body craved to be inside her as she dripped her poisonous juices upon his erectile disfunction. In his mind, he was the shit! In her mind, he was the fool. Yet she smiled and delighted him with words that sang like Fantasia in church. He'd continue his path of destruction until all was drained from him. She in turn would eventually spit him out to return broken, lost and changed.

Congratulations

I wish I could say congratulations I don't know how to feel just yet. I mean, I've given myself to you in ways that I thought you'd like. I've done things that I never thought I do for someone. I laughed with you and listened to your thoughts about what you did and did not like about xy and z. I know there were no promises but deep down I'd been choosing you. There were days I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person starring back at me. My life has been on hold while I waited for you. I thought you saw me, but now I see even I was blind. As I watch you pack your things, I found myself overwhelmed with emotion as I reflected over the last 5 years we've spent together. I'm so full of despair that I'm empty. I still smile for you in a pretense joy that you seek of me. I could see the excitement in your movement, before you whispered those words. "We're having a baby. My wife is pregnant." I loved you so much that all I could do was smile and remain silent but inside it was as if my bones were literally breaking. I guess I always knew there was a possibility that you'd choose her over me....I mean duh, you did marry her before meeting me. So silly of me to dream of a 'you and I', but I believed you when you said, "I'm going to tell her soon". So now, as I watch you walk down the hall for the last time, with all your bags, I wish I could say congratulations, but for the first time in 5 years I thought about her. I thought about all the lies you must've told her. I thought about the possibility that maybe I wasn't the only other woman. I thought about the pain she'd feel if she ever knew who you were. It was then that I knew that I couldn't let you just walk away and continue to bring harm to people in your path. It was then that I decided to.......... Want more??

Colorful

She is a giant amongst the circle of women around her. She simply stood apart from all others and you knew she was a force to be reckoned with. She was covered, yet her beauty was still seen to the naked eye and her value was nothing the earth could offer of equal value. Nations found themselves chasing her essence and many even tried to steal what could never be replaced. When she spoke, all souls listened and followed her. She carried the voice of command, sometimes without saying a word. To call her beautiful is simply doing her a disservice. She teaches all of man how to honor, keep, venerate and grow in a love that’s rarely seen. She pulls the best of those flavored to be in the pot of joy she stews. She is life’s finest exquisite creation ever to walk this earth. She is hysteria that many cannot control in her presence. Every sway of her gape leaves whispers of, ‘wow’ from those that witness her movements. Webster himself formed the word ‘classic’ with her in mind. She is what inspired the words of which you read. She is my radiant, strong, smart, superb statuesque black woman. I love you and I value each of you fully

MMM

MMM Music is my muse I escape from all pain and thoughts I am free from disappointment I rock to the rhythm of all the life that dwells in the beat of every melody I vibe to the waves that pound my drums with delight It is a gift unlike any other The lyrics pour in and refresh my soul I am connected to it I need it I breathe it My dance creates a space that has never been witnessed before I get so lost in it I lose my way And I love it It’s my ocean of the very unknown It’s my healer and my peace You probably don’t understand because Music is my muse

Wanna Hear More?

As she was his forbidden fruit, so too was he for her. Shackled by circumstance, they're passion was embedded in lost hopes. With every passing day, a desire to forget engulfed the two. Yet still the seed pitted deep in the center of their life bringing essences called and pulled at them. One wanting the other, and the other needing a windows breeze to quench the flavorful wetness that left sheets stained. When the other closed an eye, there the other stood. The two had an unmistakable appetite for each other. She found herself adrift in his fine, smooth, chiseled dark skin. She couldn't escape the thought of him standing in the frame of her door nude. Fresh from the steam filled bath, his towel had fallen and he was in no hurry to recover it... And he found himself looking into her eyes with a passion neither of them were ready for. Life fully rushed through his body and provided the appropriate tool that was needed for these types of situations... She found herself drowning with the need to taste the passion of the fruit that he ever so gently offered her... He didn't rush in, but rather touched every inch of her, without making contact. His lips carefully kissed the perfect imperfection on her face. He slowly embraced her and whispered words that not even I as the writer of this could recapture... In disbelief that he'd noticed her fully, she freed her thoughts, mind body and spirit and the two became one... Wanna know more?

RED

Her smile caught me off guard and made way to break free the chains that kept me bound. With locked lips I couldn’t express what my mind was potently telling me. I couldn’t tell her about the marvelous gift she bestowed unto me (which was still left wrapped). I wanted to whisper, shout, express, heck I don’t know. I’d seen her pass my window for quite some time, but that day…that day was just different. Let me paint the beautiful Picasso whom walked pass me with a smile that carries my freedom. 8:13am I’m sitting in my office. My hands are folded behind my head and my feet are kicked up on my desk. V103 is playing on my office radio. Chris Brown “No BS” (clean version of course) is playing and I’m bobbing my head, dancing in my chair. Chris sings the part that says, ooohhhhhh…just as she walks past my office windows. I swear it was the slowest walk a person could’ve walked past someone’s office. Black boots with those long heels, red dress, black shoulder length hair, slight rouge brushed on her cheeks and no purse. Just all WOMAN! She stepped to Chris’ rhythmatic beat as if she was rocking to the song too. I suffered inside to catch my breath, as she was absolutely stealing my air and causing my heart to sputter. By the time she’d made it to the door, tiny beads of perspiration ran from my hairline. She slowly (at least in my head) slid her right hand up the frame of the door until it came to rest, outstretched over her head. Her left hand perched on her hip. Her left foot pointed downward. There she stood…I can’t paint, but she was a priceless work of art. “David, did you hear me! David?” “Oh I’m sorry Red…I mean Hope” Perhaps, she noticed the lost glare I’d found myself lost in as she walked. Perhaps she felt my thoughts. Perhaps she noticed she had me entranced in her gaze. Perhaps she realized the song playing was my desire with her. Shoot, I don’t know! Perhaps she consummated that I’d unraveled every inch of her. Maybe she perceived I needed her key to free me. Whatever it was, she obliged all 1,375,671 thoughts I let escape me. She smile…stepped into my office…reached back and pulled the door shut. Then turned to close each blind that hung from my windows. I was lost, but knew exactly where I was (and I’m not talking about the office). Instantly, my body grew with every beat of my heart. My senses were heightened and I could feel her before she turned back around to face me. I’d watched her take a hold of the rod to close each blind and my mind wondered. My eyes followed every inch of this spectacular vision of something beyond beautiful. Her hair graced the mid of her back, and her back flowed ever so nicely downward. The dip of her back seemingly transformed into this nice, round, wondrous mound that made my mouth drop! A slight slit gave way to the curvature of her fabulous legs. This woman had it! She had it all! Shoot, she had me! She turned and said, “David… you like what you see?” You wanna hear more?

Her Gift

Softly she was carried into my world. She was a swift summer breeze that made it's way into my heart. I don't know if I was looking and she found me, or if she was simply meant to make her way into my direction. Either way I'm glad that she did. That's the thing about existing, one can never truly know what lays ahead. We may predict that which goes up must come down but shall it land? I tossed my heart up and it landed in the palm of hand. She's free to do with it as she sees fit. Haunted by the many stars that dance the nights sky... She dances with a whole new rhythm that I've never heard...and I like it. She's seduction itself and has me wishing upon a star. So do I take her by the waist and pull her close, look into her eyes and express the new beat my heart rocks too? Do I express to this wind that I want our bodies so close that you can't tell where her skin begins and where mine end? Do I run my fingers through her hair while caressing the small of her back, while my gently wet lips kiss her softly at the base of her neck? Do I face her and let her her feel the throbbing passion that's growing between my legs? When she feels the 'pressing issue' below, do I reach down and firmly grab her ass cheeks and pull her up so that her legs wrap around me? Do I allow her arms to wrap around my neck, or do I lean back and whisper, 'no! Put em in the air!' while I carry her to the kitchen? Do I play in the small puddle between her legs? I'm thinking I should have her lean back onto one hand and have her put the other one on her propped up knee, while the other leg dangles off the counters edge. Yea, I like that!!! Do I leave her there as I go to the frig? NO!! I think I'll keep my left hand firmly grasping her calf as my right hand reaches behind me to grab the 1st thing my finger tips find in the box---yes!!!...chocolate syrup...yes!!! Should I pour it upon her inner thigh? Not yet. First let me reach back for an ice cube to rub across the gape of her neck until it starts to melt down her beautiful body. Should I chase where it flows across her breast? Yea I think so...well at least the left nipple. Is it time for that syrup? Oh hell yea!!! It's time to lay back while I dip you into a whole new waterfall of chocolate. I'm thinking that I should set restrictions on how to clean up the mess we're making....as I drip syrup all up and down your body, paying special attention to your neck, nibbles, breast...yea I separated nipples from breast......I'll show you why in a second. Then I leave drops across your stomach, which leads down to your pouncing clit, where I pay special attennnn....fuck it, I can't control myself any longer and I dive in head first. I pay really good attention to where the syrup has dripped, licking every itch of the canvas that has been painted brown. It has fallen into places that require your body to be shifted with your legs in the air. My tongue grows more and more excited......to be continued :)

You Better Know

If you seek me and I’m not there… Keep looking!!! If you feel lost… Remember me!!! When you’re down… Feel me carry you!!! If there’s distance between us… Pull me closer!!! If there’s silence amid us… Scream!!! If you wake and reach for me and I am not found… Search for me!!! If your mirror speaks negativity… Remember my words spoken through my eyes!!! When it seems impossible… There is nothing…I do mean nothing that’s impossible!!!

2:15

Our son was born May 12, 2001. He came into the world 7lbs, 2oz with a head full of hair. He was soooo tiny. I can still feel that moment when I first laid eyes on him. My husband Mark was the first person to hold him. I pause even as I write this because as I reflect on all the moments of my son’s birth there are so many things that bring joy to my heart. It’s kind of funny reminiscing about my son in Marks arms. It looked like he was holding an animal or something, because when I say my son had hair, I mean, he had a full head of hair, and my husband had been bald since his early 20’s (he was 33 on our sons birthday), and I definitely am not hairy. Heck, as a matter of fact I think I’ve only had to shave my underarms only 3 times in my 44 years of life and one of those times was just because my silly teenage self, wanted to try it after seeing my older sister Jessica do it. OMG, I’m sorry, I just realized that I haven’t introduced myself; my name is Paige and OMG again, I haven’t told you my sons name; Joel. Joel is his name. Now it’s not pronounced the way you may think, it’s actually pronounced ‘Jo-el’. Now you’re probably thinking, ‘now why didn’t they spell that baby’s name right, well blame my husband Mark for that. For those that don’t know, when a woman is giving birth, she is usually medicated…which I was…and after the birth, some women are still medicated up….and I was…..soooooo when it came time to fill out certain forms, Mark, my wonderful husband filled out some of those forms and welllllll Mark wasn’t the best speller so he went with…and I quote – “The way I thought it was spelled”. I love that man, and he’s going to kill me for writing about that, but I’ll find a way to make it up to him. I’m trying to remember the moment we left the hospital but I’m having a problem remembering it, because all my mind can focus on his seeing my husband pulling up to the curb in that god ugly minivan. I hated that thing! I just remember sitting in the hospital wheelchair at the ‘baby curb’ with the nurse standing behind me holding the wheelchair as I set there holding Joel. My husband knew I hated that van, but he was so cute that day. He was fumbling all over the place as he checked to make sure the baby seat was secure. He carefully reached into my arms to grab the baby and put him in the car seat and kissed Joel on the cheek. Then he turned to me and helped me into the van. He carefully made sure I was comfortable before shutting the door, then leaned in and kissed my forehead. He was just a big ball of joy. He even gave the nurse whom wheeled me down a hug. Wow, he was so excited that it made me feel so loved and joyful. He jumped into the driver seat and started feeling around for his keys to the van and started to panic when he couldn’t find them. I reached over and touched his right hand and said, ‘Baby the van is on. The keys are in the ignition already’. He didn’t know what to say or do, and all I could do was say, ‘I love you babe’. We’d finally made it home. What a long journey we’d been through. 9 months I’d been carrying our child. Mark had always wanted a baby boy, but I never really had a preference. I just wanted a healthy baby when the time came for us to conceive. Throughout my pregnancy I never had those weird cravings. I’d never had those ruff nights. I didn’t have morning sickness. I just didn’t have that typical pregnancy that you see on TV. We made all of our doctors’ visits and I started prenatal care and vitamins before we even knew I was with child. I just figured that since we were trying, I may as well start taking them. I remember being so grateful that I wasn’t experiencing all the issues that many women go through, but at the same time I kind of felt cheated because I didn’t know if I was missing the true experience of being pregnant. I guess that was the only real ‘pregnant’ experience I had, paranoia. I just felt like something was off. But throughout, every doctors visit was great, but there was always feeling of something’s wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, so I stopped trying to find something to point too. So there we were, Mark and I standing over Joel in his crib watching him rest. The room was a light purple with a yellow rocking chair off in the corner. A dark wood changing station was right next to the crib. There was a silver diaper trash can to the left of the crib. Behind us was a bookshelf that we’d turned into a towel/diaper/baby books/pic holder and whatever else we could find to make it a baby room. In the middle of wall, separating the windows was a black and white clock. 2:15…2:15…2:15, I’ll never forget the moment when I was hit with a ton of bricks. All of the concerns I’d had during pregnancy were suddenly clear to me. At 2:15 I realized that I hadn’t heard my baby’s voice. Even though I’d been on medication at the hospital, I couldn’t remember hearing his first cry. I’d held him several times by now, but he hadn’t made a sound. 2:15…2:15…2:15

My Name is Jade

Who really go the heart for this life? While my heart beats, it’s a very silent rhythm. Man I swear there isn’t one decent person walking this earth. Everyone is out to get something or something else. If it’s not ass, then it’s money. If it’s not those then it’s fame. If not fame, then it’s power, and so-on-and-so-on. Everyone has their means of obtaining what they’re seeking and if you look close enough you’ll see it. All the lies, betrayals, selfishness, grimy and so many other things are right there in your face! Yeah some things are clearer than others but look…it’s there. Now sure you’d be hard pressed to see my moves, but that’s because I’ve learned from previous mistakes. Fuck I look like getting caught doing something stupid? Especially when there are so many stupid motherfuckers out there that would love to ‘step up’ and prove themselves and do shit for you. It’s funny how respect is obtained in some circles. I love me some movies and I’ve always loved gangster movies or mob movies. I just liked how respect was clear and never had to be spoken. Every mob/gangster movie I’ve seen, had at some point pointed out someone’s rise in the rankings and mine was no different. I’ve written about a few things already, so you know a little about the background that made me into who I became, but let me tell you about this young individual that was looking to get ‘noticed’. We called him Black Snoop. I really don’t know how this lil nigga ended up with us, but somehow there he was pulling my left arm back, tugging me off of someone. In the mist of pure chaos this lil nigga established himself by looking out for me. Wow, it’s funny writing this shit cause I look back and think just how lucky I’ve been to survive a lot of this mess. So one of my home girls invited me to her little cookout/pool party. Now I’ve never really been a huge partier but as you know I do get out there from time-to-time, so I showed up. I like to do my own things at times, so I went alone. Man, this party was packed. Everyone was having a good time and the smell of weed could be smelled a block away. The music was blazing, lol, shit I even remember the song that was playing when the fight broke out; damn Will Smith’s summertime… anyway, so I made my way over to my home girl Keisha and gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered ‘Damn ma, you looking good. This mug is packed’. Yea we were fucking, but I was there solo and chilling. I made my way over to a cooler and reached down to grab a Corona. I’m getting dapped up and high fiving everyone. Gang signs everywhere, and all was good. One of my home boys Black Pete was dee-jaying, so I dapped him up and hollered at him for minute, but as you know there’s always a too drunk nigga that’ll fuck shit up and of course here he comes fucking shit up by bumping into the D-J table causing the music to skip. Now keep in mind, this is back when D-J’s used turn tables, so bumping a table fucked up the vibe. Black Pete gets on the mic and says, ‘Yo somebody come get this nigga please. He fucking up my shit.’ Dude hears that and takes a swing at my boy Pete, and I’m like what the fuck! He misses Pete but now his body his falling all over the table, so of course the music stops and everyone is looking like what’s going on. I’m thinking this fool is going to stand up and calm down but of course he doesn’t. Dude starts talking mad shit to Pete and I’m just standing there off to the side. Dude never sees me, but I’m getting pissed cause I see Keisha trying to get over here to see what’s going on and I’m thinking, man damn here we go again and not to mention, Pete is my home boy, so I say, “Come on dude”. Then the nigga turns to me and says, ‘Fuck you’, and I snap and swing my bottle of Corona at the idiots head and it knocks his ass out. Of course all you here is the moans for the spectators. I’m all in now, cause I’m beating the shit out of dude now and Pete slamming his cases of records on the nigga’s head. Next thing I know someone is pulling my left arm saying, ‘let’s go, let’s go’. That nigga was strong too cause I couldn’t get no more hits with my hands, but I remember kicking buddy all in the ribs as I’m being pulled off of him. By the time I’m finally completely off of dude I turn to see who’s pulling me and I don’t know the nigga pulling me so I push his ass away and he’s like, ‘Naw, popo on they way, let’s go!’ Shit, I came to my senses and we ran the fuck up out of there. Ended up in this nigga’s car hauling ass up out of there. Dude starts asking me what happened and this-and-that and I’m like nigga who are you. He’s like we went to the same school and I’m like huh, elementary school??? Who the fuck remembers that shit. Man at that point, I’m just trying to get as far away from that pool party as possible. Once my heart settles and things are calmed, I’m like thanks dog, and he says “No prob big homie, I’m Ty”. Black Ty and myself would end up having so many stories to tell later in life, but that was his come up moment and many ways it was mine too because it would tie in to other things later down the line. But, later I’d learn that Ty was waiting on a chance encounter to get into this game and he found it that night. Man, that nigga that got his ass beat was one stupid motherfucker!!! I wonder if he ever looked back at that night like what the hell was I thinking! This is my life and my name is JADE

My Fear

My fear is that I become so immune to hurt that nothing hurts me. It’s get a little old pretending to be ‘ok’. Sometimes I’m not ok. Sometimes I’m hurt and sometimes I want someone to recognize that I am and go above and beyond for me to make it better. Geez, I’ve read so many things about those that keep or have a tuff skin, and while I know I do, sometimes having such a skin is fucked up! I bury things deep some times and it slowly changes me in different ways. I know it’s something that’ll be a part of me, but man sometimes I want someone to grab a shovel and dig and not cause more things to just be buried alive. Behind these smiles are rivers of tears that’ll never flow free…. Yea that’s my fear.

Daddy Held Me First

Daddy held me first Daddy carried me first I’ve been with him from his very creation At all cost he, protected me And even at the slightest hint of harm to me, he’d clench up for protection I had many brothers and sisters, yet I’m the only one of us too ever see light My daddy gave me strength and determination, which I needed for my journey I pressed, pulled, fought and swam my way to become who I am today It’s my daddy’s DNA that gives me this color, these eyes, and even the hairs on my body It’s my daddy’s DNA that gives me my voice, my walk and even my height My daddy has given me so many things, all of which I am thankful for But most of all I am thankful that my Daddy held me first

Excuse Me Mama

Excuse me mama Mama, what’s wrong? Why are you so mad? Mama, are you crying? I think all daddy wanted to do is see me Is that wrong? Do you not want me to see daddy Mama, stop crying I’ll start not liking daddy too, if you it makes you happy Mama I’m sorry. I won’t tell you how much I love going with daddy anymore Mama, mama are you listening I promise Mama daddy always gives me hugs and kisses in stuff, but imma tell him to stop Are you crying cause I was on the phone with daddy Cause if so, I won’t do that anymore Excuse me mama, but are you listening to me???

Dreamer

What if I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift into a space of tranquil peace? If I let everything, everyone and every care escape me, would I then be at a place of rest? Would all I, you and so many others find this to be a false sense of reality? If I found sustainment in that moment, would I return the same? Heck, would I even wish to return? Is it, or is that what abandonment is? If even through a glimpse of unobtainable space I find that calm that many seek, am I a lessor person? I mean, think about it for a second; from the moment bells ring and you no longer push the snooze, you’re chasing and end to what has just begun… – that is a real reality that most find themselves repeating over-and-over again. That typical clock chasing mentality that ends at the same place and the same time as it did the day before…Sooooo, I ask, if my daydream or my desire to escape this pattern is looked upon as a defeated mindset, how do I bring my dreams into my real days? If not for my imagination these words would never stick to the paper of which I write them on. If not for the peace of which I’ve never seen except through closed eyes, I could not ponder the ‘what if’s’ or the ‘how to’s’. Does my drifting lend to productivity or wastefulness? Oh, how this peace that I speak of has granted me such access to possibilities. I’m beginning to see that those things I seek must become my reality because they are what defines my dreams of hope.

There are so many tangible things that we will encounter in this journey of life but finding something worth holding on to, and working hard to keep it, and learning how to nourish its existence is where you find meaning in the experiences you encounter. Learning how to let go of all securities and dive into a sea of possibilities is where passion exist. Finding ways to breathe with no air, only living through corporeal proficiencies that give new life to your days, and warms the night’s cool breezes; can only be understood through looking beyond your sight and trusting in something more than what can be seen. When asked, ‘How do you know you love her/him’, it cannot be fully understood because it is a living thing that is forever changing and adapting to survive in its atmosphere and it will leave you with a response of, ‘I just do’. I live because I’m made to do so, and I love because I’m called to love her as living-loves-to- live. Most precious gifts are not fully appreciated because we lack the understanding of its true purpose. What a joy it is to comprehend a gift truly. A gift brings out the best in a thing, and the best things are never tangible. They are the things you carry with you internally, and they sustain you and feed you in ways you never imagined a need would be. So subtle are the tones that exist between us, and I’m anxiously awaiting our next note. How substantial you have become to me and yet still no finger could point to one exact thing that draws me to your well. Continue to pour over me, the fabric of you and I will catch it all…… Yeah I’m talking to you!

My Name is Jade

Aight, so you’ve read some stories from the past life I once led and you may be wondering where or what I’m up to now….. I’m not sure if I’m ready to reveal that just yet, but looking over all that you’ve read, where would you expect me to be? Look over what todays world has brought forth…. Nigga’s being nigga’s, but to some it may look like nigga’s are worse than they’ve ever been; I beg to differ on that. I don’t know, maybe it’s the world, time, atmosphere or people I came up with but I don’t think it’s the same today as it was back then. Lol, at ‘back then’, because it sounds like it’s been so long ago since the stories I tell are 50 years old or something. Everywhere there’s a club atmosphere or any gangster movie I see, or any hood I find myself in makes my blood thin and causes my heart to pound at a familiar beat and I find myself right back in a world of boss status. During movies I’m like the former general watching a military movie and noticing that nothing is current. Everything from the bars on captains shoulders and hearing people in the movie refer to them as lieutenants or something crazy, causes me simply shake my head. I can see or spot the authenticity in gangster movies from the first 10 minutes of it. I can spot a loud mouth idiot that’s certain to get dealt with before the movie ends. Almost every club scene or gang related viewing my eyes partake of, or real gangster movies reminds me of what these streets can and will bring. I’ve been asked by many, what dirt have I done in my life. Have you ever shot someone? You ever kill someone? How many kids you got? What happened to the money? Police ever try to get money from you? Where the hoes; you never really write about them? What are you up to now? How much time did you do? You ever been shot? Man I promise you all I be wanting to say is, ‘mind your motherfucking business pimpin’, but if you’ve been one that have asked me those questions you know my response is always upfront and honest. For those that read this and want to know the answers to the questions above, I’d ask that you simply read the stories of Jade and many of your questions will be answered. There’s so much more to come because the life I’ve lived, I’ve lived in a lifetime. Have you ever shot someone? Yes! It wasn’t expected. Even though I’ve carried a pistol since the age of 13 or so, I never expected to actually use. It’s weird because I never had a problem using it, I just never figured I would actually to it, you know? I mean I grew up with fundamentals. You didn’t pull a weapon unless you was going to use it. You didn’t threaten anyone with words like, ‘I’ll shot yo ass’, or ‘I’ll stab yo bitch ass’ unless you were going to attempt it! Plus I always had a way about me that made people respect me. I mean, I didn’t have to say much or do much cause people were just willing to handle dirt for me. Sure I took care of those around me, but to this day I have no idea what it was/is about me that makes people do some of the things they did/do. “Sooooo what or how did you end up shooting someone negro?” Hold on, im getting there! Remember me talking about the club scene? ……yea put a lil liquor in me and add some loud music with some damn near half naked females and 1 shout out by the DJ and ‘Jade’ becomes reborn into a almost totally different person. I can comprehend everything and remember details at a higher capacity in that state and the club becomes MINE (in my head), and I want everyone in the place to have the time of their life! I make my way all through the club; everywhere from the DJ booth, to the restroom to the front door welcoming people to the pleasure palace. The spot became my kingdom for the night and we were gonna have a time to remember! Every outing was always nice….except for this one time…. As you may already know, there’s always some idiot that’s bound to fuck shit up and of course that night ‘he’ would have to find his-self being the fool in my space…. Now here I am feeling good and having a great night out….VIP full of ass! My boyz feeling good. Smiles could’ve be seen from miles away if the walls fell. Everyone G’d up (dressed nice). Bottles poppin! Cigars lit! So there I was with 2 females under my arms headed back to VIP to introduce the new ‘horses’ I captured at the door. (side note – it’s funny writing this cause to this day, when I’m at a club, you will find me at that door at some point in the night lol). “A NIGGA, watch what the fuck you doing”…. Now I heard that and kept walking cause he couldn’t be talking to me, but as I said my senses are always heightened so 15% of me was on alert just in case something popped off with some idiots fighting each other in the place. So after dropping my ‘ponies’ off I kept it moving, as they were in good hands with my people. I noticed one of my brothers people chilling toward the rear of the club so I headed that way. Halfway to him, I hear the same voice I heard moments before saying, “I don’t care who the fuck that nigga is. I’ll bust a gap in his bitch ass”. Man I swear it was as if the music stopped and everyone was silent. I didn’t know who said it or who he was talking to so I turned in the direction I heard the words coming from. I locked eyes with this big dark skinned dude and I gave him the ‘what up my dude’ head shake and all I heard was, “Yeah nigga, I’m talking to you! Fuck around and get popped in the mouth and find yo ass in a ditch somewhere”. Stunned, I find myself pointing myself in my chest mouthing, “ME?” “YEAH YOU!” Now I’m in shock, but I remember every word he spit in anger at me and puzzled as I was I asked him, “Damn, you gone shoot me?” and before he could respond, there I was holding a smoking barrel of glock 9 and all I see are yellow timberlands, toes pointed to the ceiling and several of my people running toward me, pulling out the back door. I remember ‘Skip’ coming up the alley with only the fog lights glaring from the blacked out Yukon. “Get the fuck in nigga!” “What the fuck happened?” I still didn’t put it all together. I was in a state of ‘where we going? Why we leaving?’ I didn’t see it as anything wrong, because the level at which I was, no one was allowed to do what this nigga did and get away with it. I completely put it back on him and couldn’t comprehend why we had to leave the damn party! Man I think it was a couple of days afterward that I realized the magnitude of what I’d done. Sure it gave me street cred, but I didn’t need that shit…I had that already! I guess it did give everyone around me the comfort (man that seems crazy) to know that I’d always handle things as needed and they knew that if we rolled together, then we rolled as 1. Now I guess you’re wondering what happened to the dude I shot and truth is…… you’ll have to stay tuned…. This is my story and my name is Jade

Naked....Standing

Here I am standing naked as never before With my heart belonging to you Fear grips me like never before In defense mode my heart enters Constantly searching for escape routes to prevent hurt Find all of my fears painted over this canvas called ‘exposed being’ See who I am freely Watch as I remove the blanket of comfort from my soul Find me reaching for you, hoping that you’ll reach back Listen to the broken gifts left upon the roads I’ve traveled Look into the pit of my pupils and feel the endless voids that have claimed root there Even in as I’m falling and I’m yelling for you to catch me I’m behind the wheel but you are in complete control Exposed, open, yet completely covered in dark hope Here I am standing naked as never before As even completeness fills me, I hold on to potential emptiness Find me in a sea of wonders and give me peace Let this night turn into days and days into nights Even as distance grips our bodies, leave me a lifeline to grab hold of Hear my passion beating for you and dance in its rhythm Placing my all. My everything. My fiber. My heart. My mind. My body before you nake and I’m…. Standing Here

Live

if you knew that today was that day that your life were to change for the worst, what would you do? If you knew that your end was closer than you expected, what would travel through your mind? If that news you recieved  would not only affect you, but that it would affect others around you...what would that change? Would knowing that things were about to change drastically, would that mean you'd look at the people in your circle differently? Would they somehow mean more to you or less? Who would you want to be there in your corner holding your hand and telling you that no matter what, they'd be there with you every step of the way? Would you have regrets? Would you wonder what stones you left untouched? Who would you like to hear from? What places would you like to go? Would that place be your first visit? What would tomorrow mean to you and what Will you do different?

Lets Play Catch

I can recount memories and words that have been thrown that have been either caught or batted back at me. Look, take me as I am but know that I strive to be better and if that is not catching, then let the ball drop. Deliver the world at your doorstep is what I endeavor for, but I ask that you wipe your feet at the threshold. Think on that!

Seeping Deep

I am ready for what tomorrow will bring. I will face its challenges head on and I will trust in knowing the things that have been poured into me. I shall not worry of things I see, but know that truth comes in the form of faith. Oh ye of little faith shall not dwell in my thoughts, for I will walk in the knowledge that all things work together for those who love the lord. Even if adversity knocks, I will calm the seas and step out on faith and conviction on the word that directs my path. I pray that these words be given life through my eyes and whoever else may encounter them. Seep deep….deep

Rest Tonight

I am still amazed at you. So much beauty that exudes from, through and within you that I feel abundantly blessed to have found time spent with you. I find a growing deep appreciation of having your presence spread upon me. Everything from your laughter, playful spirit and vulnerabilities I get to rest in, I find comfort in. Everyone should know this emotion, even if it’s for a brief moment. I don’t express it as often as I want too but know that every, every moment I am under your air, I feel lucky to be there. I don’t take for granted the time spent next to you. For as long as I can, I’ll dance alongside you, forever creating our own unique rhythm. Rest tonight my love. Rest tonight.

My Name is Jade

You know when your somewhere and you hear a song come on and it takes you back? You can’t help but say, “THAT’S MY ISH!” For me it’s several songs but I am also reminded of history when I find myself in places or situations that bring back familiar passions. Here, follow me for a second: I could hear the music playing, and the scene was one that was very familiar to me. The grayed out, smokey atmosphere was one I’d seen many-a-day. The music loud, which drowned out conversations across the room. Yet still people conversed as though they were in a library. I could never wrap my mind around that. So there I was in a space I’d always found a sort of peace. I searched around the room looking for faces I’d grown accustomed to seeing. You know the faces; the girl with the titties out and the too short skirt on. Or the dude that has been drinking and smoking too much, but still thinks that every female in the place wants him. How about the group of females that came together and the one in the middle has dollar bills pinned to her because it’s her birthday. Yeah, I could go on and on, but mainly my eyes always searched the DJ booth, the bouncers, the managers and the doors. You may be wondering why I’d be looking at the DJ booth, but what you may not realize is, ALL the action in most clubs starts in that booth. He/she’s the one that has ties to every person affiliated with that particular spot. They’re the ones that can either open the door, or make sure that mofo stays shut. The bouncers were the ones that got you to the booth, which in turn got you to the DJ, who in turn, turned you on to the managers and after you took care of them, you were introduced to the owners. Rarely would it be just one person that owned the spot and rarely were they not tied to some illegal shit. So in essence, this was my home. I’d already made a name for myself, but I knew that in order for me to get what I truly wanted I’d have to make myself some new powerful friends. I wanted power! I had the dough and the respect of anyone that crossed my path. I never had to say or do much because I’d established myself as someone you simply didn’t want to fuck with. My peers (yeah, that’s what I’ll call them in this chapter) always lined up on my behalf. Look at me wrong and yo ass might have gotten carried out and tossed on your ass….after getting your ass whipped! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the ‘mean’ guy or the stand out guy. I’ve just been given….or better yet, I’ve earned respect so others wouldn’t stand for someone to disrespect me. I never really knew my position until Mr. Grey waved for me to come over. Mr. Grey….ahhh, Mr. Grey. He was the owner of ‘The Grey Spot’. I can remember it like it was yesterday. No one in my camp even saw him do it, but I caught his quick pinky wave over. Man this dude was cool. I mean he was a smooth charismatic dude with unbelievable power around town. Man it was like if this dude thought of hurting you, you was hurt! I am not playing either. OK, OK, I will admit, I was a little nervous going over to him because after all, I was an up and coming player and I didn’t want to step on any toes, but I also knew I had to be respected too. Not that he would outwardly disrespect me, but you get the picture. Man it seemed like something in the movies. Everything went into slow motion and no one in my circle noticed I’d made a move over to Mr. G and funny thing is, his people didn’t seem to notice either. Man, the first words out of his mouth were, “Your father my my nigga!”, and right then I knew I was good and that I was in. He went on talking about how he and my father use take fools paper and dare them to say a word. My father never really talked about people by name, so I would’ve never put Mr. G with my father in a million years. I don’t know why though, because my father was a General in this game too. “Anything you want or need, I got you”. After G spoke those words to me I knew what it meant. Simply put, my business would grow 100 times the size it was, overnight. I have to raise my own eyebrow because even as I write this I’m like, wow! I never really had to raise a hand of my own and yet the level of respect that was offered to me was unheard of. Shoot it still is to this day. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll beat a nigga’s ass twice if I need too, but sure, why not let someone do it for you? G had a impeccable mind. He could remember conversations verbatim from years ago. He was a mathematical genius, which means he was a calculating beast that remembered everything. He was one that didn’t do well with disappointment and his disappointment was not like a you and I disappointment. If you told G that you were going to be somewhere at 7 and you got there at 7:05, this dude would flip and his flip was to the extreme. I remember that exact scenario happening to one of his people and G broke a bottle across his head and told him he would not see 7:06 if that ever happened again. That dude almost lost his life over 5 minutes. G also had homes and apartments everywhere. I remember we were coming back in town from a west coast business trip and as we were landing he leaned over to me asked me to go to the leasing office of one of the apartments he had and let them know that he would not be renewing his lease. He said be there at 9 because according to my lease I have to give them 60 days notice and the lease will expire in 234 hours. I was like what the ?!?!? Why is that even on your mind? Did they call you or were you just looking over the lease???? Nope, that was just G. He’d had a female staying there and was done with her so he cancelled or refused to renew the lease. I’m pretty sure he didn’t let her know that she needed to move either. I did go to that leasing office with the notice and wanted to let the girl know that she needed to move, but that would’ve been disrespectful to G, so I left that in his hands. Shoot for all I know, it could’ve been a test for me. Power is perhaps the most dangerous thing on this planet. It’s addictive. The more you have, the more you want more of it. I was falling victim to it’s power and didn’t realize it. I had what many people wanted. I owned nice homes. I Drove phat cars. I had the pretty woman, with the pretty women on the side. I had both the name and face recognition. I definitely had the money. I had the ‘that nigga is not to be fucked with’ swag. Yet there I was finding myself finding holes in G’s empire. They began to seem larger and larger and soon enough there would either be a split or a hostel take over. This is my story, and my name is Jade

No Title

Is respect earned or given? Call me a fool but respect is given then lost and is capable of being earned back. The moment you find yourself asking for respect is the moment you need to look in the mirror and check the things that may need adjustment. If no adjustment is needed on your end, make the proper change needed to be respected. 

Eyes Closed

Connectivity that becomes complacent within the boundaries of the limitations set before hand are only limited to the availability of ones imagination. Even a circle has an entrance and exit point, so must that which connects me to that that is not suppose to be. Makes sense? Sure it doesn’t! Here let me explain: I sit here and I watch her as she sleeps so peaceful and in perfect harmony with the nights breeze. I can feel her even as I sit across the room from her. I can relax in her rest and find such a rest that I need to express it through writing. Strangely enough I can feel her heart beating to the rhythm of my own. We are years apart and this is not suppose to be possible but I cannot ignore the drum that beats continuously within the realm of my inquiry. Am I crazy? I try my damnest to ignore it but yet its rhythmatic notes are seemingly written just for the beat that is meant to sustain me. Trust me when I say, it makes no sense but I am no fool to silence that which has landed into my lap with a thunderous boom. I want so bad for this puzzle to fit and be finished but it is not my pace to which it is to be finished. The outer layer has been placed and now comes the inner workings that ties all together. It’s sort of a backward way of doing things but oddly enough it’s working. Still she sleeps nearby and passion beats out of me like a waterfalls end. Yeah yeah, when a man loves a woman……. When I love a woman, I love her and desire only her. I search for perfections within her sight and seek nothing but acceptance of her. I find every comfort in her. As she rest I wish she could see my light for her and some how be raptured up in it to the point that nothing escapes her, and all that which is left is beauty. This may make no sense but only to the one that it is meant to make sense too, but to you whose eyes read this and comprehends its measure, I say to you, I love you. Words cannot explain the fortitude to which I have found myself in resolve of pleasing you, but trust me when I say that I am better with you. It is not meant that man be alone and he that finds a wife findeth a good thing. While You are not mine just yet I continue to pray and believe in something that much greater than you or I could ever imagine fully. I write this while you rest without looking at the words to which this contains, and yet somehow I feel as though you’ll get it. WTF is that> literally my eyes are closed and my fingers are painting a picture just as the artistry that your hand creates. Daily I question why me, and I try to make sense of this, but I cannot and I’ve began to accept the fact that this is not for me to figure out, but rather it is for me to measure upp to and simply exist in it. That is soooooo not me lol. OK, so that said, I’ll end with this: Dear words, please do not escape me as I I seek after this which has been brought together. No matter what others may say, if she allows, I know she’ll find delightment in all that which is to be. Gosh I know this one makes NO sense to some readers, but I do wonder if it makes sense to the one I think it’s meant too. I’ll most certainly have to reread this one, one day….it was written with my eyes closed!

Moving

I've never really worried about what people thought me. I considered myself to be good and willing to do for others as needed. If you passed judgement on me, I simply brushed it and you off and kept it moving. I was recently in a situation where just the thought of outside influence prevented true positivity from happening and it caused me to reflect. I wondered much and thought more, then I remembered the good that'd been lost and I paused. While it shouldn't matter what others "think", because they're not the be-all-that-ends-all, I understand that truly it is not as easy for others as it is for me. We are spirits having a worldly experience, so I believe that because of this I am able to look differently upon a situation and move differently through it. My flesh is tempteral and the who of who I am is everlasting. Look across and see that and all the rest shall fade.

So What

So GD what! Who cares that you are like a rare diamond, so beautiful and unique! So GD what! Who cares that your kiss is as soft as angelic clouds! So GD what! That your skin calls to me in a language curtailed for my ears only! So GD what! Who cares that your voice makes my day! So GD what!

Follow Me

Follow me,  following you!
Watch me, watching you!
Pull me, as I pull you! Speak to me, as I speak into you!
See me, as I see all in you!
Listen to me, as im changed by your words!
Be flesh of my flesh. Bone of my bone. Be mine, as I'm yours for a lifetime.

Was that clear or shall I repeat myself?

Follow me, following you!
Watch me, watching you!

Oh my bad, I just wanted to be clear!

Sun Ray

She is like sun rays sneaking through the blinds. I'd describe her as pure desire. Careful you must be to treasure the uniqueness she brings with her light. Entangle yourself in the sculptured beauty before you while in her presence. Taste the soft pleasures of delicacies amongst her curves. Ponder in what knowledge she's yet to bring forth. She delights my minds most deepest passions and I find it a must to express even those things I try to contain. Blindly I'm caught up in the rapture of her, for the light she brings seeps in through my blinds.


Good morning

Oh well. New days ahead..... Again

A Lil Time

Spend a little time with me and discover the things of which I’ve yet to encounter of myself. Lets spend some time devouring our space and time and smile in the realization that we’ve passed days under one anothers comfort. Stretch my mind that it wraps around your every word. Open up my darkest secrets and whisper ‘it’s ok’ into the lobs of my ears. Allow me to take risk in places and things that I never imagined I would; all the while carefully holding my hand. Give me passion that feeds my soul that pushes out moments that last a while. A little time can go a long way so don’t be afraid of this journey. The path that has been laid before us was created long before we stepped foot to it. Grab my hand and lets see what joys we may encounter…..

I know that I won't get that chance but I'll enjoy the today before tomorrow ends.

I Listened to the Issues

I listened to the issues that faced many and knew I’d love you through all of them.
I watched them dance closely with others and knew these arms only open for you.
I saw them eat separately and knew it was there that I prayed of us.
I saw the change in their eyes and knew you’d always be the same beauty before me now.
I heard the distance and instantly and urge to pull you close fell upon me.
I listened to the complaints and knew I’d always communicate in a way that effects change positively.
I watched as they couldn’t stand the sight of one another and knew you’d always have my eye.
I saw how they could no longer see love and smiled a lil, feeling how much I loved you.
I knew they no longer celebrated each other and felt like celebrating my gifts found in you.
I listened to the lost in their voices and knew that even now I could hear you from a distance.
I heard the bickering in expectations and rested in the comfort of our daily enjoyments without them.

I heard the issues and couldn’t wait to see you and tell you that you are more than I could have imagined for myself and that as long as there is breath in my body I will forever show and tell you just how much you mean to me .

Experience the Experience

One seldom gets to experience true experience of introspective thinking. I mean to really sit and explore the depths of the mind that opens up perception in a way that cannot be contracted. I’m talking about the kind of thinking that takes time but much is revealed in an instant. Imagine being able to flip through the pages of your mind and locate the very essence of what defines you. This experience has no words to explain the complexity of these measures, yet when they are found you know exactly what is to be made of these cups of knowledge. How wonderful it is to seek out yourself and learn from…you! Never be afraid to explore experience.

Dear

Dear Tiffany,

I still like you!

Let Me Talk

Hey Earl, let me talk to you for a second…

I get to see and witness the many marvels that God has made from nothing but dust and I find pleasure in it all. It would not be enough for me to simply say that beauty, as astoundingly as it may be, can be found in most things, but rather I’ll take the complex road and seek the detail in these things. Pause for a moment and take in the brilliance that lives around our individual worlds and notice that the rather smaller things are the ones that make the most difference. It is not that a kiss was placed upon my lips but rather it was the fact that she turned around to come back to leave it. It was not that he waved as he accepted his diploma, but rather it was that he searched the many faces to find the ones that meant the most. It was not that she tutored him, but rather that she knew that he required additional help. There…right there inside the ‘rathers’ is where you’ll find exception to the monotony and no longer rest in the complacency that this world would have you become redundant too. It is said that it is the little things that make the biggest difference, so I’ll seek to find the rather in things that surround me. I could challenge the time allotted to be with her, but rather I’ll find comfort in the minutes we share together. I think today instead of worrying about the things that I don’t have, I’ll enjoy the many things in which I do. It is not what I try to offer up to her, but rather it is becoming what she adds to me. She slows me down unlike anyone before and the detail to which she adds unto me I pray last throughout the breaths that sustain me. From out of nothing I was formed, and when I am done I shall be returned to my original state, so why not find comfort, peace, joy, happiness, hope, beauty and life in the things that surround us? Seek the good first and the rest will follow suit!

You alright with me Tiffany.....yea you def are, with yo lil nice looking butt

Readers

Wow! I didn't know that so many readers follow this blog. By far I see that the top 2 post I have are "Write It" and "Brother King". I usually don't read what I write but I was compelled to read those after seeing the number of views they get. Funny that both of those were inspired by the voice of my Father.
I'll try to write more often. After all I really enjoy it. Thanks all!!!!

Worn Tire

I'm as worn as a tire that beens on a car for 134,971 miles. I feel every bump in the road and I'm easily thrown off when I hit a puddle of mess. I'm constantly searching for a grip but as soon as I find one, it's snatched away in a moments notice. I'm in need a little attention from my owner. I mean I've given all that I have and now I'm worn around the edge. I've hung in there through all these miles and wouldn't mind continuing on whatever path this leads too but I can't without some maintenance being done first. I'm about to burst out here! I notice that the other tires have been taken care of, all I'm asking is for just a lil of what's offered to them. I promise I won't let you down.

Dranky Drank

You ever have a long day and look forward to getting home and cracking open that dranky drank....only when you get home you find that your dranky drank has been opened and sipped. Now you know that the one person that's allowed to sip on your dranky drank did in fact take a sip, but you get the feeling that someone else has been dranking on your dranky drank and you definitely did not allow this! I mean the drank is cold as usual and the normal sips that were taken by the person you've allowed to do so are expected but, this other sipper is not what you planned for when you headed toward that refrigerator. On top of that, they gone put it back in the same spot as if you wouldn't notice the difference. C'mon son! I know my dranky drank and I know when my dranky drank is being shared and well, I don't like it. Shoot on top of that, the dranky drank was given to me by the person I allow it to be shared with. Gosh, I don't wanna call ahead to ask if my dranky drank will be there (in tack). I wanna just come home to my dranky drank and continue to share it with ......you

Hey empty paper, I didn't know i missed you so much!

Unattainable

The love of my life, as unattainable as it is will and shall forever be loved by me. I’ve managed to taste what it would be like to walk a life’s distance submerged in your glory and I’ll always thirst for its flavor. What all I would do to hold on to another day in the presence of it. Sought after comfort which eludes me now, is all that is left for me here. I had the audacity to imagine that when all was said and done I’d look down and that we’d be interlocked as one. With each breath I will push forward, knowing that that is exactly what you’d wish for me to do. You shall always live within every fiber of me and I will rest in the presents you left me with. Though I doubt that this will ever be rediscovered, I’ll turn away this page of life and discover what words are yet to be written across this now open page. My love, as I turn and walk away for the last time, I ask that you not allow the words to become bondage to your passion. You my love are my heavens gift now and forever……my queen….my love….my babe…. I love you….

Words

Words are amazing! I’m sure I’ve said that before, but they are! I rarely read my post or anything that I write because I don’t want the urge to “fix” something that at the moment was exactly how I wanted it to be (even the grammar errors…..well some). Words carry such power behind them. They bring forth so many emotions. They can take away from a person or add to them. They can be guides like that which maps bring to those on a quest. Words!!! They can be taken literal and they can be taken lightly. They perhaps are the most powerful thing known to mankind. We learn by them. We communicate using them. We war over them but yet we find peace coming from them. We bond ourselves to them and by them. We find ways to bring our imagination to life using them. What a gift it is to experience such power that can be found at the tip of a pencil. Words are amazing!!!

In Case You Wondered

Ever wonder why he loves you the way he does?

Could it be the smile that embraces your face? Does it shift his mood and make him come to life? Does it bring a smile to his? Do his eyes sparkle within its brilliance? Does his heart seem to skip a beat when graced by the presence of it? Does he comment on its beauty? Does he utter silent words under his breath when he catches it and when you ask “what”, he says, “nothing”? Does he….

Could it be your eyes? Does he get lost in them? Does he like to pull you close to look upon them? Does he see dreams in them? Do they shatter everything he thought he knew about love and passion? Does he light up under the sparkle in them? Does he comment on their beauty? Does it seem that he cannot get enough of your stare?

Could it be the color of your skin? Does he find it hard to not rub it? Does he desire to pull his close to yours? Do his lips find challenge in not pairing to it? Does he marvel in its beauty? Does he find it irresistible? Does he find comfort in it? Does he place subtle kisses across its canvas? Does he…

Could it be the laughter of you? Does he melt in it? Does he smile when it’s heard? Does he light up like a Christmas tree at its vibration? Does it bring it out of you? Does he add it to you beauty? Does he seek to bring only that to you? Does he smile at the memories of it? Does he find the urge to be so great that when he hears it, he’s motioned toward you? Does he recognized the power within it?

Could it be your brilliance? Does he aid in it? Does he seek to build upon it? Does it desire to add to it? Does he call out all that is capable in it? Does he find confidence in it within himself? Does he push and/or tap into it? Does he see it? Does he compliment you in it? Does he see the beauty within it? Does he put his backing on it? Does he…

Could it be your everything? Does he comment on your walk? Does he delight in an innocent kiss from you? Does he see past any negative and find a positive within its ranks? Does he see the giving spirit you have? Does he show patience in you? Does he listen? Does he see God in you? Does he see the kindness in you? Does he recognize your uniqueness? Does he write you love notes? Does he show the eagerness of a teenage boy but knows how to be a man about it? Does he see all the beauty in you, even that which you don’t see? Does he pray over you? Does he give you freely without expectation? Does he offer all that he has openly? Does he find comfort in you simply being there? Does he know who you are in the arms of man? Does he speak these things freely with you and others? Does he do these things and more? Does he………….. Simply love you for all that you are……..

I’m thinking yes

Set To Sea

I’m alive with her

She has managed to capture my imagination and has sealed it within a bottle and set it out to sea. If by chance I’m able to find it in such a vast array of twists, storms and waves, I may glance upon its depth to discover the abilities that rest within me. This may not be such a difficult task, as I imagine my imagination to be of such grander that the vessel to which contains me would be of enormous proportion to the sea grips it. Pulled by my compelling and overwhelming knowing that within its complexity rests the - ‘know-how-too’- obtain all that heart and minds true desires, I dive in head first. Determined to swim a Phelps like meet, I challenge and quiver my way across the channels without failure being a whisper to my ears. I drown out all the ‘no’s, can’ts, but’s and impossible’s’ and let the waves carry me further into my quest. Through temperature change and deadly obstacles I remain focused on my mission. I cannot comprehend anything other than that which wrenches me tighter into the knowing that this will not be in vain. Sealed within this bottle rest so much and I am nothing without its power. I find myself on a direct path to the destiny that awaits the imagination that pours from this bottle. While the waves and motions of the sea have managed to carry away this gift of all, I’ve found it to still be within sight of the very woman that tossed it overboard. It pulls at me as if pulling into safety. Finally I’m eye-to-eye with the command of my own imagination and I find myself frozen in its amazement. At first glance I see all that was overlooked/ignored in the effort to arrive at this point of view. I witness the passion to which my body, mind and spirit would not let me fail. Then it hits me… who is this woman that captured me? Who is this that has turned on such confidence that I have been given the ability to face such adversity only to burst through it unscaved? Who is this that open mine eyes to such power and will? Who is this that managed to bottle up such a thing without collapse of her? Who is this that has allowed me to live fully? To you I say thank you. You’ve captured my imagination and what better gift could ever been given……….. I truly hope to one day return these gifts to you over a lifetime…….

For my TCH

What's the dif between love and infatuation?

Today I Saw

You are alright in my book! Always and forever! Still the God in you. Today I watched you move a little closer to me. I felt the warmth of your openness escape the cares. I looked and saw a new smile and I heard a new laughter. I looked and saw a radiant glow bouncing from you. I listened and I heard your thoughts. I’m just glad that today existed for me. I’ve waited so long for today and I pray tomorrow I get to continue to see the God in you Tiffany.

Woke up feeling......... Glad I woke up!!!

Phophet

2 Numbers 12:6, "And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream."

The true Prophet of the Lord will receive visions or dreams from the Lord

The Angel

So many times I’ve started typing this and erased it. Not because of disillusion or wavered thoughts, but rather I’ve expressed it so much that you may not believe the fact that I do. To me it is simple, yet it has been the most difficult journey I’ve ever had to make. To love without reciprocation is something I wish upon no man. How it must be to Christ whose love suffered all, yet even in His suffering He too is denied. I am by no means a comparison to Christ. It is that my eyes and heart have found a better understanding as to what it truly means to give of yourself without receiving in return. We never know the doors of which we will face, but I stand before each of them ready for whatever is in store behind them. If I could choose, I’d choose to have both of you in my arms, but sadly it is beyond my control. I love the both of you with all my heart and want nothing but the best for you. Well that’s it. This one is short and to the point, but just in case I lost you in it, all I’m trying to say is, Tiffany and Cheyenne I love you both!

My Name is Jade

I never wanted to be a boss, well sort of… I mean, I wanted people to know who I was in a way that they knew I was about business and someone you didn’t want to try and take advantage of, but I wanted that without the other things that come along with it; things like people knowing what kind of business I was the boss of. There is not a boss in this country, rather legit or not, that someone is not eying that man’s spot. Let’s face it, people are always willing to cut the man to take the man’s place. So how to you run things without ‘running’ things? Well unfortunately you kind of assign ‘fools’ to foolish assignments. When you are a shot caller there will always be someone willing to do foolish things to please you. It’s quite amazing when you think about it. Look, I’m not calling anyone foolish per say, but looking back on some things I’m dumbfounded at how willing people become when asked to do certain things.

I had the face and personality of the nice guy who was sincere and genuine. I was all of those things, but I just ran a different kind of business that was dangerous at times. I mean as I’ve stated, I’ve been shot and I’ve had many guns pulled on me. I should be dead, but that’s for another chapter coming later. I remember going to pick up some ‘work’ with a partner of mine and something told me to be on alert. I sort of blow the concern off because the person that we were going to see wasn’t anyone new, as we’d done business several times before. Only this time would prove to be different! We showed up with our usual amount of cash and asked for our usual ‘work’. Everything was going well, until our supplier made this comment which I’ll never forget because to this day I hate when someone asks this question and that is, “Is it all there, or do I need to count it?” Now you’re probably thinking, what’s the problem with that, but if you know me you know I wouldn’t short you on money and if I did I’d let you know in advance. So what in the hell would someone I’ve been ‘working’ with ask a question like that for? He didn’t know that that question would be the end of his ‘working’ relationship with me, but that was the last time he would be in a position to ask a question like that to me.

I knew that I needed to make some changes in the way ‘work’ was being conducted and the first change I needed to make was no longer seeking ‘work’ but I needed the ‘work’ to come to me. Now by this time, I’d been in the business for about 5 years or so and had made several connections with many people. Many of which I got work from. I looked at them as my boss’ or companies. While I wanted to have my own ‘company’, I didn’t necessarily want everything that came with it. Everyone one of my boss’ got to be boss’ because they had to go through many things to get there. Some of them had rap sheets 20 pages long. Some killed their way up. Some of them inherited their way up (if you can believe that). Now understand, I wasn’t afraid of jail but it wasn’t a place I was trying to get to like Miami or something and I knew that murder was a crime that does not have a statute of limitations so I wasn’t trying to go there unless absolutely needed. So what was I to do? I mean the time had come for me to get my own ‘company’. I had to start thinking like a boss. I mean, I carried myself like a boss already. The people I had around me followed my move and looked to me for answers and direction. Finally it hit me! The partner I took with me to make our pickup would need to do me a favor. It was a simple one though. All he had to do was trust me. I called him over to my house and told him that I wanted him to go make another pickup, but this time he was to go alone. Going to a pickup alone is never done. Of course he declined and after I told him what I wanted him to tell the ‘boss’, he damn near shit his pants. I told him that I wanted him to go to the ‘boss’ and make a pickup, and knowing that he’d be asked why he was alone, I told him to say, “You offended my man, and that’s a big no no”. Now you can imagine what must’ve been running through my partners head, but it was becoming my job to get him to buy into my plan. I knew the ‘boss’ would ask for a sit down, or at the very least come see me. I told my partner that he would have nothing to worry about because the ‘boss’ would be more interested in delivering a message back to me. I told him, he’ll be so pissed and ready to find me that he’ll send you back to me with a strong message. It took some coaching, but in-the-end he bought into my plan. Long story short, my plan went as expected and the ‘boss’ called a meeting with me. What I’d just done was extremely dangerous, so walking into this meeting; I truly had no idea if I’d be walking out of it, or carried out. Either way I was sticking to my plan. The plan was to………

This is my story and my name is Jade

The Challenge

Some of the greatest challenges are served at the moments you least expect. They are seconds that define you. They are the minutes that shape you. They are hours that build you. They are the days that leave an impression which lasts a lifetime. See those challenges as nothing more than living. Make the better decisions, that as you look back upon each moment you’ll know that you’d stand upon your foundation and know you’ve done a job well.

Faith Without Works

Without faith it is impossible to please to the Lord and it (faith) is something that we are to walk (move) in daily (always). It is also written that faith without works is dead. In other words you must trust in Him and trust in the directions He supplies. We must be actively seeking Him in all things that pertain to our lives. He has not given us sight for no reason, and that which He has given will have all its needs met through faith in knowing that He is control. We are not to sit under His order and not take action (move). We are to be builders of His kingdom through our works that have been assigned to us.

When we take a job, we know that there are directions that will need to be followed. We know that in order to keep that job we must do as expected even when sometimes we don’t agree with the directions being offered. Chances are the company that you work for has been in business awhile and knows what they’re doing. It is no different when it comes to His order over our lives. Do you not think that our creator knows what is best for us? He is the builder of all things and the creator of all life, so when He speaks a mandate over us, should we not listen!?!

The Final Bell

I know longer have a stake in this thing. I've gone to my corner to lick my wounds. I put in a good fight and hopefully I'll be judged fairly. I laid it all on the line in every round I fought. Sure my body is bruised and this has been an emotional strain, but blood in, blood out, I'd stand in that ring again. I don't need to stick around to hear what the announcement will be, because I'm already satisfied with the fact I came out of myself and pushed on, even when I didn't think I could. To my opponent, I have no comment, well maybe one, thank you. This is it, consider me retired!

If Ever

If ever there was a time, it would have to be now I'd think. I need you to use me as you've never done before. I need you because I'm losing need. Only you know what tomorrow will bring and I will not (try not too) worry about what is beyond my control, but I sorta need your clarity on some things. Thanks in advance Father

Deserving

Don’t be so blinded by the stars that you overlook the moon. All that is amongst you serves a purpose and many of which you know their intentions because you’ve heard or have seen them in the corners of your room. I call you room because you need it to grow and learn. Do not be so blinded by the beauty in ones words that you misplace their actions as ‘sweet’ nothings. All that you have witnessed defines your potential tomorrow. I call you room because it is there that you hear these things. Don’t be so blinded by the smiles that grace both you and their face that you twist the tears shed from the hurt bestowed unto you and make them forgotten pains. I call you room because it is there your knees bend in prayer. Don’t be so blinded in your quest to have that you miss the denial that has been mailed straight into your essence. I call you room because it is there that you find rest.

What I am trying to say is, find value in you, that you may know who you are and know all that you have to offer up. If anyone is not able to see your gifts as treasures then leave them in the sands as you sail away. You are deserving of both the stars and the moon!

Is It Foolish Too

It is foolish to chase after a taken heart. That is to say, unless you can sustain hurt, heartache, disappointment and confusion, I would recommend that no one undertake such a chase already being ran by another. However, we end up in places that often times are unexpected and must find ways to deal with the issues at hand. I learn new things every day and I learn quite a bit about love daily. I’ve learned what the world view of love is, but it has become fascinating to learn, or rather experience what love is from a Christ point of view. Sure we’ve heard what love is, it is kind, patient, love suffering and many other things that have been described in the book of Corinthians, but how many of us can truly say we have loved, or have been loved? I mean lets dissect this thing most of us are so passionate about for a moment. I don’t know, but in order to place love on a thing, you might have to be foolish in some things and open yourself up to being vulnerable to the things listed earlier. I ask can you truly be hurt if you do not care? Can you truly be confused, if your thoughts do not occupy that space? Love is free willed and is available to anyone that will accept it, but that also means love is given freely as well. So, what to do when you offer up love to something that is occupied by another’s love? Call me crazy, but it’s called foolish! However, and of course there is always an however… a space that is already occupied is incapable of another taking the same space. If I park my car on the street, there is no way another car can take the space my car is in until I move my car. The same can be said for the heart, if a heart is taken, there is no room for another…right? If so, wouldn’t that mean that the heart was never taken? Well, not necessarily. Because love has many forms and many meanings, it is capable of experiencing a portion of its power. I love analogies so I’ll try to give one now…. You ever go to the mall and look for a spot to park and see a car taking up two spaces, or one car parked in a space and another car overlaps that cars marked lines? Well that’s kind of how I’m viewing this love thing. Love has a balance and that balance prevents others from interrupting your space. In fact, when you are in balance others will not seek your space out, but rather find another to plant themselves in. I told you I’m learning this whole love thing and even as I write this, I’m learning. For those that are unbalanced and attracting the attention of others, even if it is attention that is not planned on being entertained, please know where your balance rest. Call me stupid, but the knowing of things gives you power to not be that fool, but rather it gives you the foresight to know where you stand in even given space. I may have gone around and about to answer the question asked at the beginning of this, but here is my answer, no it is not foolish to chase after a taken heart because it would be impossible to do so, because if that were taken, it would not be seen as a space to run in.