Daddy Held Me First

Daddy held me first Daddy carried me first I’ve been with him from his very creation At all cost he, protected me And even at the slightest hint of harm to me, he’d clench up for protection I had many brothers and sisters, yet I’m the only one of us too ever see light My daddy gave me strength and determination, which I needed for my journey I pressed, pulled, fought and swam my way to become who I am today It’s my daddy’s DNA that gives me this color, these eyes, and even the hairs on my body It’s my daddy’s DNA that gives me my voice, my walk and even my height My daddy has given me so many things, all of which I am thankful for But most of all I am thankful that my Daddy held me first

Excuse Me Mama

Excuse me mama Mama, what’s wrong? Why are you so mad? Mama, are you crying? I think all daddy wanted to do is see me Is that wrong? Do you not want me to see daddy Mama, stop crying I’ll start not liking daddy too, if you it makes you happy Mama I’m sorry. I won’t tell you how much I love going with daddy anymore Mama, mama are you listening I promise Mama daddy always gives me hugs and kisses in stuff, but imma tell him to stop Are you crying cause I was on the phone with daddy Cause if so, I won’t do that anymore Excuse me mama, but are you listening to me???

Dreamer

What if I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift into a space of tranquil peace? If I let everything, everyone and every care escape me, would I then be at a place of rest? Would all I, you and so many others find this to be a false sense of reality? If I found sustainment in that moment, would I return the same? Heck, would I even wish to return? Is it, or is that what abandonment is? If even through a glimpse of unobtainable space I find that calm that many seek, am I a lessor person? I mean, think about it for a second; from the moment bells ring and you no longer push the snooze, you’re chasing and end to what has just begun… – that is a real reality that most find themselves repeating over-and-over again. That typical clock chasing mentality that ends at the same place and the same time as it did the day before…Sooooo, I ask, if my daydream or my desire to escape this pattern is looked upon as a defeated mindset, how do I bring my dreams into my real days? If not for my imagination these words would never stick to the paper of which I write them on. If not for the peace of which I’ve never seen except through closed eyes, I could not ponder the ‘what if’s’ or the ‘how to’s’. Does my drifting lend to productivity or wastefulness? Oh, how this peace that I speak of has granted me such access to possibilities. I’m beginning to see that those things I seek must become my reality because they are what defines my dreams of hope.

There are so many tangible things that we will encounter in this journey of life but finding something worth holding on to, and working hard to keep it, and learning how to nourish its existence is where you find meaning in the experiences you encounter. Learning how to let go of all securities and dive into a sea of possibilities is where passion exist. Finding ways to breathe with no air, only living through corporeal proficiencies that give new life to your days, and warms the night’s cool breezes; can only be understood through looking beyond your sight and trusting in something more than what can be seen. When asked, ‘How do you know you love her/him’, it cannot be fully understood because it is a living thing that is forever changing and adapting to survive in its atmosphere and it will leave you with a response of, ‘I just do’. I live because I’m made to do so, and I love because I’m called to love her as living-loves-to- live. Most precious gifts are not fully appreciated because we lack the understanding of its true purpose. What a joy it is to comprehend a gift truly. A gift brings out the best in a thing, and the best things are never tangible. They are the things you carry with you internally, and they sustain you and feed you in ways you never imagined a need would be. So subtle are the tones that exist between us, and I’m anxiously awaiting our next note. How substantial you have become to me and yet still no finger could point to one exact thing that draws me to your well. Continue to pour over me, the fabric of you and I will catch it all…… Yeah I’m talking to you!

My Name is Jade

Aight, so you’ve read some stories from the past life I once led and you may be wondering where or what I’m up to now….. I’m not sure if I’m ready to reveal that just yet, but looking over all that you’ve read, where would you expect me to be? Look over what todays world has brought forth…. Nigga’s being nigga’s, but to some it may look like nigga’s are worse than they’ve ever been; I beg to differ on that. I don’t know, maybe it’s the world, time, atmosphere or people I came up with but I don’t think it’s the same today as it was back then. Lol, at ‘back then’, because it sounds like it’s been so long ago since the stories I tell are 50 years old or something. Everywhere there’s a club atmosphere or any gangster movie I see, or any hood I find myself in makes my blood thin and causes my heart to pound at a familiar beat and I find myself right back in a world of boss status. During movies I’m like the former general watching a military movie and noticing that nothing is current. Everything from the bars on captains shoulders and hearing people in the movie refer to them as lieutenants or something crazy, causes me simply shake my head. I can see or spot the authenticity in gangster movies from the first 10 minutes of it. I can spot a loud mouth idiot that’s certain to get dealt with before the movie ends. Almost every club scene or gang related viewing my eyes partake of, or real gangster movies reminds me of what these streets can and will bring. I’ve been asked by many, what dirt have I done in my life. Have you ever shot someone? You ever kill someone? How many kids you got? What happened to the money? Police ever try to get money from you? Where the hoes; you never really write about them? What are you up to now? How much time did you do? You ever been shot? Man I promise you all I be wanting to say is, ‘mind your motherfucking business pimpin’, but if you’ve been one that have asked me those questions you know my response is always upfront and honest. For those that read this and want to know the answers to the questions above, I’d ask that you simply read the stories of Jade and many of your questions will be answered. There’s so much more to come because the life I’ve lived, I’ve lived in a lifetime. Have you ever shot someone? Yes! It wasn’t expected. Even though I’ve carried a pistol since the age of 13 or so, I never expected to actually use. It’s weird because I never had a problem using it, I just never figured I would actually to it, you know? I mean I grew up with fundamentals. You didn’t pull a weapon unless you was going to use it. You didn’t threaten anyone with words like, ‘I’ll shot yo ass’, or ‘I’ll stab yo bitch ass’ unless you were going to attempt it! Plus I always had a way about me that made people respect me. I mean, I didn’t have to say much or do much cause people were just willing to handle dirt for me. Sure I took care of those around me, but to this day I have no idea what it was/is about me that makes people do some of the things they did/do. “Sooooo what or how did you end up shooting someone negro?” Hold on, im getting there! Remember me talking about the club scene? ……yea put a lil liquor in me and add some loud music with some damn near half naked females and 1 shout out by the DJ and ‘Jade’ becomes reborn into a almost totally different person. I can comprehend everything and remember details at a higher capacity in that state and the club becomes MINE (in my head), and I want everyone in the place to have the time of their life! I make my way all through the club; everywhere from the DJ booth, to the restroom to the front door welcoming people to the pleasure palace. The spot became my kingdom for the night and we were gonna have a time to remember! Every outing was always nice….except for this one time…. As you may already know, there’s always some idiot that’s bound to fuck shit up and of course that night ‘he’ would have to find his-self being the fool in my space…. Now here I am feeling good and having a great night out….VIP full of ass! My boyz feeling good. Smiles could’ve be seen from miles away if the walls fell. Everyone G’d up (dressed nice). Bottles poppin! Cigars lit! So there I was with 2 females under my arms headed back to VIP to introduce the new ‘horses’ I captured at the door. (side note – it’s funny writing this cause to this day, when I’m at a club, you will find me at that door at some point in the night lol). “A NIGGA, watch what the fuck you doing”…. Now I heard that and kept walking cause he couldn’t be talking to me, but as I said my senses are always heightened so 15% of me was on alert just in case something popped off with some idiots fighting each other in the place. So after dropping my ‘ponies’ off I kept it moving, as they were in good hands with my people. I noticed one of my brothers people chilling toward the rear of the club so I headed that way. Halfway to him, I hear the same voice I heard moments before saying, “I don’t care who the fuck that nigga is. I’ll bust a gap in his bitch ass”. Man I swear it was as if the music stopped and everyone was silent. I didn’t know who said it or who he was talking to so I turned in the direction I heard the words coming from. I locked eyes with this big dark skinned dude and I gave him the ‘what up my dude’ head shake and all I heard was, “Yeah nigga, I’m talking to you! Fuck around and get popped in the mouth and find yo ass in a ditch somewhere”. Stunned, I find myself pointing myself in my chest mouthing, “ME?” “YEAH YOU!” Now I’m in shock, but I remember every word he spit in anger at me and puzzled as I was I asked him, “Damn, you gone shoot me?” and before he could respond, there I was holding a smoking barrel of glock 9 and all I see are yellow timberlands, toes pointed to the ceiling and several of my people running toward me, pulling out the back door. I remember ‘Skip’ coming up the alley with only the fog lights glaring from the blacked out Yukon. “Get the fuck in nigga!” “What the fuck happened?” I still didn’t put it all together. I was in a state of ‘where we going? Why we leaving?’ I didn’t see it as anything wrong, because the level at which I was, no one was allowed to do what this nigga did and get away with it. I completely put it back on him and couldn’t comprehend why we had to leave the damn party! Man I think it was a couple of days afterward that I realized the magnitude of what I’d done. Sure it gave me street cred, but I didn’t need that shit…I had that already! I guess it did give everyone around me the comfort (man that seems crazy) to know that I’d always handle things as needed and they knew that if we rolled together, then we rolled as 1. Now I guess you’re wondering what happened to the dude I shot and truth is…… you’ll have to stay tuned…. This is my story and my name is Jade

Naked....Standing

Here I am standing naked as never before With my heart belonging to you Fear grips me like never before In defense mode my heart enters Constantly searching for escape routes to prevent hurt Find all of my fears painted over this canvas called ‘exposed being’ See who I am freely Watch as I remove the blanket of comfort from my soul Find me reaching for you, hoping that you’ll reach back Listen to the broken gifts left upon the roads I’ve traveled Look into the pit of my pupils and feel the endless voids that have claimed root there Even in as I’m falling and I’m yelling for you to catch me I’m behind the wheel but you are in complete control Exposed, open, yet completely covered in dark hope Here I am standing naked as never before As even completeness fills me, I hold on to potential emptiness Find me in a sea of wonders and give me peace Let this night turn into days and days into nights Even as distance grips our bodies, leave me a lifeline to grab hold of Hear my passion beating for you and dance in its rhythm Placing my all. My everything. My fiber. My heart. My mind. My body before you nake and I’m…. Standing Here

Live

if you knew that today was that day that your life were to change for the worst, what would you do? If you knew that your end was closer than you expected, what would travel through your mind? If that news you recieved  would not only affect you, but that it would affect others around you...what would that change? Would knowing that things were about to change drastically, would that mean you'd look at the people in your circle differently? Would they somehow mean more to you or less? Who would you want to be there in your corner holding your hand and telling you that no matter what, they'd be there with you every step of the way? Would you have regrets? Would you wonder what stones you left untouched? Who would you like to hear from? What places would you like to go? Would that place be your first visit? What would tomorrow mean to you and what Will you do different?

Lets Play Catch

I can recount memories and words that have been thrown that have been either caught or batted back at me. Look, take me as I am but know that I strive to be better and if that is not catching, then let the ball drop. Deliver the world at your doorstep is what I endeavor for, but I ask that you wipe your feet at the threshold. Think on that!

Seeping Deep

I am ready for what tomorrow will bring. I will face its challenges head on and I will trust in knowing the things that have been poured into me. I shall not worry of things I see, but know that truth comes in the form of faith. Oh ye of little faith shall not dwell in my thoughts, for I will walk in the knowledge that all things work together for those who love the lord. Even if adversity knocks, I will calm the seas and step out on faith and conviction on the word that directs my path. I pray that these words be given life through my eyes and whoever else may encounter them. Seep deep….deep

Rest Tonight

I am still amazed at you. So much beauty that exudes from, through and within you that I feel abundantly blessed to have found time spent with you. I find a growing deep appreciation of having your presence spread upon me. Everything from your laughter, playful spirit and vulnerabilities I get to rest in, I find comfort in. Everyone should know this emotion, even if it’s for a brief moment. I don’t express it as often as I want too but know that every, every moment I am under your air, I feel lucky to be there. I don’t take for granted the time spent next to you. For as long as I can, I’ll dance alongside you, forever creating our own unique rhythm. Rest tonight my love. Rest tonight.

My Name is Jade

You know when your somewhere and you hear a song come on and it takes you back? You can’t help but say, “THAT’S MY ISH!” For me it’s several songs but I am also reminded of history when I find myself in places or situations that bring back familiar passions. Here, follow me for a second: I could hear the music playing, and the scene was one that was very familiar to me. The grayed out, smokey atmosphere was one I’d seen many-a-day. The music loud, which drowned out conversations across the room. Yet still people conversed as though they were in a library. I could never wrap my mind around that. So there I was in a space I’d always found a sort of peace. I searched around the room looking for faces I’d grown accustomed to seeing. You know the faces; the girl with the titties out and the too short skirt on. Or the dude that has been drinking and smoking too much, but still thinks that every female in the place wants him. How about the group of females that came together and the one in the middle has dollar bills pinned to her because it’s her birthday. Yeah, I could go on and on, but mainly my eyes always searched the DJ booth, the bouncers, the managers and the doors. You may be wondering why I’d be looking at the DJ booth, but what you may not realize is, ALL the action in most clubs starts in that booth. He/she’s the one that has ties to every person affiliated with that particular spot. They’re the ones that can either open the door, or make sure that mofo stays shut. The bouncers were the ones that got you to the booth, which in turn got you to the DJ, who in turn, turned you on to the managers and after you took care of them, you were introduced to the owners. Rarely would it be just one person that owned the spot and rarely were they not tied to some illegal shit. So in essence, this was my home. I’d already made a name for myself, but I knew that in order for me to get what I truly wanted I’d have to make myself some new powerful friends. I wanted power! I had the dough and the respect of anyone that crossed my path. I never had to say or do much because I’d established myself as someone you simply didn’t want to fuck with. My peers (yeah, that’s what I’ll call them in this chapter) always lined up on my behalf. Look at me wrong and yo ass might have gotten carried out and tossed on your ass….after getting your ass whipped! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the ‘mean’ guy or the stand out guy. I’ve just been given….or better yet, I’ve earned respect so others wouldn’t stand for someone to disrespect me. I never really knew my position until Mr. Grey waved for me to come over. Mr. Grey….ahhh, Mr. Grey. He was the owner of ‘The Grey Spot’. I can remember it like it was yesterday. No one in my camp even saw him do it, but I caught his quick pinky wave over. Man this dude was cool. I mean he was a smooth charismatic dude with unbelievable power around town. Man it was like if this dude thought of hurting you, you was hurt! I am not playing either. OK, OK, I will admit, I was a little nervous going over to him because after all, I was an up and coming player and I didn’t want to step on any toes, but I also knew I had to be respected too. Not that he would outwardly disrespect me, but you get the picture. Man it seemed like something in the movies. Everything went into slow motion and no one in my circle noticed I’d made a move over to Mr. G and funny thing is, his people didn’t seem to notice either. Man, the first words out of his mouth were, “Your father my my nigga!”, and right then I knew I was good and that I was in. He went on talking about how he and my father use take fools paper and dare them to say a word. My father never really talked about people by name, so I would’ve never put Mr. G with my father in a million years. I don’t know why though, because my father was a General in this game too. “Anything you want or need, I got you”. After G spoke those words to me I knew what it meant. Simply put, my business would grow 100 times the size it was, overnight. I have to raise my own eyebrow because even as I write this I’m like, wow! I never really had to raise a hand of my own and yet the level of respect that was offered to me was unheard of. Shoot it still is to this day. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll beat a nigga’s ass twice if I need too, but sure, why not let someone do it for you? G had a impeccable mind. He could remember conversations verbatim from years ago. He was a mathematical genius, which means he was a calculating beast that remembered everything. He was one that didn’t do well with disappointment and his disappointment was not like a you and I disappointment. If you told G that you were going to be somewhere at 7 and you got there at 7:05, this dude would flip and his flip was to the extreme. I remember that exact scenario happening to one of his people and G broke a bottle across his head and told him he would not see 7:06 if that ever happened again. That dude almost lost his life over 5 minutes. G also had homes and apartments everywhere. I remember we were coming back in town from a west coast business trip and as we were landing he leaned over to me asked me to go to the leasing office of one of the apartments he had and let them know that he would not be renewing his lease. He said be there at 9 because according to my lease I have to give them 60 days notice and the lease will expire in 234 hours. I was like what the ?!?!? Why is that even on your mind? Did they call you or were you just looking over the lease???? Nope, that was just G. He’d had a female staying there and was done with her so he cancelled or refused to renew the lease. I’m pretty sure he didn’t let her know that she needed to move either. I did go to that leasing office with the notice and wanted to let the girl know that she needed to move, but that would’ve been disrespectful to G, so I left that in his hands. Shoot for all I know, it could’ve been a test for me. Power is perhaps the most dangerous thing on this planet. It’s addictive. The more you have, the more you want more of it. I was falling victim to it’s power and didn’t realize it. I had what many people wanted. I owned nice homes. I Drove phat cars. I had the pretty woman, with the pretty women on the side. I had both the name and face recognition. I definitely had the money. I had the ‘that nigga is not to be fucked with’ swag. Yet there I was finding myself finding holes in G’s empire. They began to seem larger and larger and soon enough there would either be a split or a hostel take over. This is my story, and my name is Jade

No Title

Is respect earned or given? Call me a fool but respect is given then lost and is capable of being earned back. The moment you find yourself asking for respect is the moment you need to look in the mirror and check the things that may need adjustment. If no adjustment is needed on your end, make the proper change needed to be respected. 

Eyes Closed

Connectivity that becomes complacent within the boundaries of the limitations set before hand are only limited to the availability of ones imagination. Even a circle has an entrance and exit point, so must that which connects me to that that is not suppose to be. Makes sense? Sure it doesn’t! Here let me explain: I sit here and I watch her as she sleeps so peaceful and in perfect harmony with the nights breeze. I can feel her even as I sit across the room from her. I can relax in her rest and find such a rest that I need to express it through writing. Strangely enough I can feel her heart beating to the rhythm of my own. We are years apart and this is not suppose to be possible but I cannot ignore the drum that beats continuously within the realm of my inquiry. Am I crazy? I try my damnest to ignore it but yet its rhythmatic notes are seemingly written just for the beat that is meant to sustain me. Trust me when I say, it makes no sense but I am no fool to silence that which has landed into my lap with a thunderous boom. I want so bad for this puzzle to fit and be finished but it is not my pace to which it is to be finished. The outer layer has been placed and now comes the inner workings that ties all together. It’s sort of a backward way of doing things but oddly enough it’s working. Still she sleeps nearby and passion beats out of me like a waterfalls end. Yeah yeah, when a man loves a woman……. When I love a woman, I love her and desire only her. I search for perfections within her sight and seek nothing but acceptance of her. I find every comfort in her. As she rest I wish she could see my light for her and some how be raptured up in it to the point that nothing escapes her, and all that which is left is beauty. This may make no sense but only to the one that it is meant to make sense too, but to you whose eyes read this and comprehends its measure, I say to you, I love you. Words cannot explain the fortitude to which I have found myself in resolve of pleasing you, but trust me when I say that I am better with you. It is not meant that man be alone and he that finds a wife findeth a good thing. While You are not mine just yet I continue to pray and believe in something that much greater than you or I could ever imagine fully. I write this while you rest without looking at the words to which this contains, and yet somehow I feel as though you’ll get it. WTF is that> literally my eyes are closed and my fingers are painting a picture just as the artistry that your hand creates. Daily I question why me, and I try to make sense of this, but I cannot and I’ve began to accept the fact that this is not for me to figure out, but rather it is for me to measure upp to and simply exist in it. That is soooooo not me lol. OK, so that said, I’ll end with this: Dear words, please do not escape me as I I seek after this which has been brought together. No matter what others may say, if she allows, I know she’ll find delightment in all that which is to be. Gosh I know this one makes NO sense to some readers, but I do wonder if it makes sense to the one I think it’s meant too. I’ll most certainly have to reread this one, one day….it was written with my eyes closed!

Moving

I've never really worried about what people thought me. I considered myself to be good and willing to do for others as needed. If you passed judgement on me, I simply brushed it and you off and kept it moving. I was recently in a situation where just the thought of outside influence prevented true positivity from happening and it caused me to reflect. I wondered much and thought more, then I remembered the good that'd been lost and I paused. While it shouldn't matter what others "think", because they're not the be-all-that-ends-all, I understand that truly it is not as easy for others as it is for me. We are spirits having a worldly experience, so I believe that because of this I am able to look differently upon a situation and move differently through it. My flesh is tempteral and the who of who I am is everlasting. Look across and see that and all the rest shall fade.

So What

So GD what! Who cares that you are like a rare diamond, so beautiful and unique! So GD what! Who cares that your kiss is as soft as angelic clouds! So GD what! That your skin calls to me in a language curtailed for my ears only! So GD what! Who cares that your voice makes my day! So GD what!

Follow Me

Follow me,  following you!
Watch me, watching you!
Pull me, as I pull you! Speak to me, as I speak into you!
See me, as I see all in you!
Listen to me, as im changed by your words!
Be flesh of my flesh. Bone of my bone. Be mine, as I'm yours for a lifetime.

Was that clear or shall I repeat myself?

Follow me, following you!
Watch me, watching you!

Oh my bad, I just wanted to be clear!

Sun Ray

She is like sun rays sneaking through the blinds. I'd describe her as pure desire. Careful you must be to treasure the uniqueness she brings with her light. Entangle yourself in the sculptured beauty before you while in her presence. Taste the soft pleasures of delicacies amongst her curves. Ponder in what knowledge she's yet to bring forth. She delights my minds most deepest passions and I find it a must to express even those things I try to contain. Blindly I'm caught up in the rapture of her, for the light she brings seeps in through my blinds.


Good morning

Oh well. New days ahead..... Again

A Lil Time

Spend a little time with me and discover the things of which I’ve yet to encounter of myself. Lets spend some time devouring our space and time and smile in the realization that we’ve passed days under one anothers comfort. Stretch my mind that it wraps around your every word. Open up my darkest secrets and whisper ‘it’s ok’ into the lobs of my ears. Allow me to take risk in places and things that I never imagined I would; all the while carefully holding my hand. Give me passion that feeds my soul that pushes out moments that last a while. A little time can go a long way so don’t be afraid of this journey. The path that has been laid before us was created long before we stepped foot to it. Grab my hand and lets see what joys we may encounter…..

I know that I won't get that chance but I'll enjoy the today before tomorrow ends.