Mama didn't hold me long enough

Mama didn’t hold me long enough. Mama didn’t hold me like an angels star. Let loose to the wind I was blown from this to that. Often landing in places that sucked the fruit from my nectar. Forever drifting in this sea of the world that is filled with pain, dirt, hurt, sex, lies and broken promises. There I would find myself lying in the cracks of life: desperate. There I was hiding, tucked away in the corner trying not to be noticed. Trying not to be stepped on and crushed. So I developed an outer shell; one that would protect me from breaking. Only, my shell would become heartless, careless and destructive to any that came across it. Sad to say but I didn’t even know my shell of protectiveness was not only harming others but it was destroying me internally. You see mama didn’t hold me long enough to teach me the protections I’d need to defend myself. Defend myself from the destructive nature of me. You see all my joy, happiness, pleasure, peace and love were all gifts giving to me from my Father, but the natural would seek to claim all that is good and have it return void onto me. So now, this…this shell of mine that I can no longer see through and recognize the reflection of myself has changed me. Erased are the joys of my past. They lay tucked away in corners of my resting places. No mama didn’t hold me long enough, but mama held me long enough that I may break this shell to reclaim that which was lost, so that now I may see. Return to those dark corners and collect what is mine and my Fathers’. Loose the chains of my mind to reclaim my angels star. Mama didn’t hold me long enough, but my Father did and He has come with me to recover all that was taken!

My name is Jade

You ever get the worst news giving to you through a text message? An era has ended that once captured the imagination of so many. It was seemingly a pure and innocent time in my past that allowed for moments of bliss and joy. Though life would get in the way of promise, and provided circumstance would lead to the inevitable collapse of what once was promised between two individuals, no one would have expected it to come to a conclusion in the form that it did. While I was by no means owed anything by anyone, I still failed to realize that I could be ripped apart by the exclusion of the knowledge that a bomb was soon to go off, right in the center of my ground zero; my heart. There are many famous quotes from many famous people and many great movies…”We hold these truths to be evident that all men are created equal”…”One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”…”Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”…”Truth, you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth”. All of which will live forever in people’s memory that know them and now I too shall have words that will forever live with me. “Jade, I got married to Cory this weekend.” And that was the start of my new life. My name is Jade!

Sarah

Sarah, if there is one thing that I am certain of, it is that your mother loved you from the moment you were created. I can feel, see and hear her in everything you do. I cannot explain it Sarah, it’s something that only angels process; you and mommy are the only people I have ever met that can change any circumstance no matter the task, difficulty, involvement, pressure or need. So baby girl I know there is nothing that is beyond your scoop. You have taught me to believe in and through things like nothing I have ever witnessed. (From dad)
With that I took to the sidelines determined to see things through the eyes of certainty.

I believe that we are all gifted in some form or another and many of us need a little push to pull out that gift, but when it is realized there is nothing that neither can nor will hold us back. My high school teachers you probably laugh to hear me say that…
Sarah, Sarah… Wake up young lady (teacher).
Ah, my freshmen year of high school. Just like many of the other insecure kids that attended our school I was sort of an outcast. I guess you could say that I was missing something I never had but had all the while. Yeah I know it doesn’t make much sense, but in time it will. Jason, Gabby and Mike were my best friends. We’d known each other sense we were toddlers. After my mom died people never wanted to leave my dad alone with me (for whatever reason), so the neighbors would make it a point to stop by for dinners, check-ups and random visits and they would bring their children along as well; which is how I met Jason, Gabby and Mike.
Mike’s father died when Mike was 7 so he sort of became the “pack leader” at his home. Like me he had no siblings. It was just he and his mom. So when his dad passed, he sort of started taking care of his mom which made him into the young responsible, protector teenage man that he is today. He has always looked out for me as well; never letting anyone or anything harm me.
Gabby and Jason are brother and sister. They live across the street from, in a loving home with both parents. I always liked it when their family would come over to visit because seeing them made see something normal.
Well that’s the “gang”. Me, Mike, Jason and Gabby.

My name is Sarah

My name is Sarah and I haven’t been born yet, but I am destined for greatness. I will be born on Feb. 3rd at 3:34am. My dads name is John and he loves to play the guitar and sing to me. I haven’t figured out how he does it, but his songs match’s my mother’s heart rhythms. My mother…. Ah how tender, patient, caring and loving she is. I listen as she talks to my dad and other family members, but when it’s just her and I, she’s different… She likes to sit under the stars and talk to me while rubbing her tummy. (Giggle) I like when she does that, it’s the only time I stick my feet out (giggle). My mom and dad always tell me that I am special and that I will be a gift to the world. I’m not sure what they mean by that, but I love to listen as they tell me their dreams of me.
My father is a high school football coach and my mom is nurse. What a pair they make. They say they are saving lives through mentorship and medicine.
I am not sure how to start the next part of this story, because it is about the beginning and the end of something near and dear to me. I guess I will start with the day my mother came home from work (Feb. 2nd). I remember her crying alone on the porch about something that happened at work. I could hear the tears falling as they left her chin. I’d never heard mom cry before but I knew I did not like it. Daddy, daddy, help, mommies crying, I shouted over and over again. Suddenly my mother screamed for”John”! Right then I knew something was wrong. Dad came running to the door, “What’s wrong” he asked. “I think I am going into labor, my water just burst” mom replied. In a flash bright lights surrounded me and my world was changed forever. I did not know what was going on and it was quite a harrowing experience. Then a soft familiar voice crept through all the other sounds. It was my dad whispering to my mom. He said, “Sarah, you are my rock and I have loved you from the moment you laughed at that silly first joke I told you. You are so beautiful”….”As are you, and you have always been my dream..I love” …….those was the last words my father and I would ever hear from my mother.

Jade

And still I wonder. And still I think. And still I know. And still I am. I am that young teen, young adult who’s mind and dreams of visions take president over some realities. And so I wonder what spark may be lit to bring chaos into my circle. Alone I stand with many whose heart beats that of a lion. Silently I’m thinking king of the mother fucking world and I wish a Negro would, but all the while knowing that this mentality is that of a caged man’s world. Ambiguous defines my thoughts, desires, passions and lively aspirations, but in this place it must lie dormant for fear of its dominance of others. Is this confident? Is this egotistical? Is this cocky? Is this real or fake? If I said past is my present, would you know what I mean? Fear may grip you if you heard my stories, but harmless has a puppy I am – there still rest and awaits the bite of sweet nectar whose taste stays a lifetime. Probably trying to figure out what the hell is being spoken right now; that is unless you are blowed out of your mind, which if that is the case these words are probably doing a rain dance on your brain. So you ask the question, who am I. I am Jade!

Fair

What is fair? What is acceptance? I ponder these things tonight as I sit in this room alone. I have often needed or felt the need to be accepted, even though I’ve never been any but accepted. This thirst for fairness can affect every aspect of a person’s life and the very actions he or she may take in this walk of life. Make no mistake that the soil from which we arrive and grow in will play a major role in all orders of our lives. We must have fertile ground if we are to grow. This applies even if our start began in soiled land. It is fair that we look back on past events that laid the foundation to our make-up, but we must accept what we see in doing so, and look forward to fresh starts. It is ok and fair to want and need acceptance of fresh things. Seek these things as you walk, and perhaps more important, share all the knowledge that you gain from this walk of acceptance. Neither we, nor I can change past dealings, and we are to be careful not to remain there with them. It is fair that we accept those things and move forward to better ideals and all that’s promised to us all.

Prince

I close my day out and lay down to rest and watch t.v. Only I’m compelled by what surrounds me. I rest under fabrics fit for a prince, with Egyptian rare shades at the windows. A table at my feet, with a bronze lamp of a man holding an umbrella. White lilies drape over the edges of the table. At my head rest another lamp of a warrior in battle. Starring down at me rests a white tiger on the wall. At this moment I realize all that has been given to me and the need to acknowledge that screamed at me to write this. I often start writing and don’t know where it will end up, but I know these words serve some purpose in some way or another. What I hear is that God telling me that He needs to find another way to get my attention. I hear that I am valuable and that the knowledge that I possess is great and needed. The white tiger that stares at me, says I am with you always. I am your protector. The man with the umbrella seems to be saying, I will cover you. The warrior represents the conflict inside my head and soul. With all that surrounds me, I am not deserving of it. Yet here I am; resting in things fit for a prince.

JOY

Sometimes you can spend a lifetime running in darkness. You can lose your way and not know it. Seemingly you can be out of place, even as you are IN PLACE. Sometimes you can drift with the endless counting of watching the blades of a ceiling fan go round and round. A brief memory of things once enjoyed may creep in a time or two, but it doesn't sustain you. This can transform you ways that are unrecoverable if not careful. With each day that passes, stop and remember the good of the day. Bring light into your eyes every chance you get. Hold fast to all good things and find love in them. Delight in the good, for it saves many things. Trust in what you know to be real, and not what others try to make real. LIVE LIFE JOYFULLY!

No Posts

I use to have more time to post because most of it was done at work but they've blocked this site at work plus I have class so i'm limited on time. Not to mention that I can't copy and paste anymore...wth happened.

well hope all is well to all

Best of It

The greatest of these things are love
Through which all is possible
Even when it seems impossible
There it shall prove to win out over all things
Discover it in places rarely expected
Or sought
Place it where it protected yet shared
This gift cannot be denied
It changes even the unchangeable
united it brings joy, and peace beyond imagination
Simplest of things
Yet most don't experience the core of it
Kind in it's natural way, it pours out, endlessly
Often in the face of many, it is sometimes taken for granted
Even so; it endures
So happy to share this greatest gift
With YOU
I love you

Retired

A killed spirit which quickened the bones of his desires
There he sat stalemate
Detoured from his vision of life
Left dormant, his dreams resided in a frozen state
Unaware of the darkness to which he’d paid so much too
His dreams could no longer find dreams to dream
This continuing cycle kept him in place
Every now and then rewarded for his post
He’d treat himself
Yet back to lost
To play his part, he’d find himself
Deflated,
He’d still roll on
Unaware of the state he was in
As he celebrated his retirement
And blow out the candles to a job well done
His presence faded with the smoke blown from the candles
A box of bones he carried away
Reflections of time gone by
Filled with loneliness and out of place
He found that he could not carry on
He rested his eyes for the last time
And just like that
He was lost
Along side his
Desires

Cant Post

Sorry for the not so often post. I used to do these while at work and for some reason they've chosen to block this site. So now I don't have access to post :(

Love To Hate

I hate the way you tell me to do stuff
I love you for the way you talk to me
I hate it when you don’t answer the phone
I love calling your voice mail to hear your voice
I hate it when you get mad at me for not letting the toilet seat down
I love how you keep the house clean
I hate that you yell at me when arguing
I love the different ways you express yourself
I hate it when other people flirt with you
I love the fact that you’re with me
I hate it that you make so much noise in the morning
I love waking up to you
I hate it that you are sometimes short tempered with me
I love the fact that you’re passionate
I hate that you always have to buy new shoes
I love those red pumps on you…..o boy!
I hate that you won’t stop talking and let me rest
I love to hear your voice as I fall to sleep
I hate that I’m having a problem making this list
I love the fact that I have more love than hate for you

LIFE

Life’s passion can sometimes be obscured by the very thing it starts with; LIFE. I’ve pondered this all week. I’ve asked myself this question over and over. If I could do anything in the world what would it be? What would give me that passion for life? What is that one thing? While thinking of the answer I thought about other people. I thought how even as adults we are still children attending school. I mean, we wake up to an alarm clock that we keep hitting the snooze button, just as we did when our parents called for us to get up numerous times. Or even the way we take lunch at work. Just take a second and look when you go to lunch. It’s as if the school bell has rung. All of a sudden there’s traffic, stores are crowded and people are rushing to get in out so that they’re not late returning to work. Heck we even watch the clock for the end of the day bell so that we can head home to do nothing but lodge around. Think about it for a second, this has been the norm for most of our lives. So discovering that passion that breaks those cycles and gives people a zest for life would be so fulfilling to many of us. So in thinking on this for a while I’ve come up with my passion. I’m sure as with most people I’ve always known what my passion is. Do you? If not shouldn’t you try to find it? After all, it’s LIFE!

My Name Is Jade

My brothers and I were sitting in the back seat of my father’s car. My father was driving around looking for something. We didn’t know what it was he was looking for and we didn’t ask. It was raining that night. I remember turning the corner and seeing my father’s eyes light up while looking at them through the rear view mirror. It appeared he’d found what he was looking for. A pay phone (or so we thought)! He stopped the car in front of the phone-booth and jumped out into the rain. My brothers and I sat in the car waiting for him to return. Boom! Suddenly a man was thrown onto the hood of the car. My father appeared too. Next thing I knew my father began beating the man to a pulp. Even as the man was on the ground, my father kicked him. We watched as he picked the man up and threw him into the phone-booth. I remember my father bending down pointing at the man saying something but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Without either of us saying anything, my father jumped back into the car and drove off. We never mentioned what happened to anyone. Not even to one another. Twenty something years would pass before we’d speak about what we saw that night. I asked one of my brothers if he remembered that night. He said and I quote, “Hell yeah I remember! That was some crazy sh*t!” We’d have plenty of stories like that to share between us. It’s truly amazing some of the things we saw and never spoke of them while growing up. Hey, that’s my history and my name is Jade!

Pick Up Lines

Excuse me!

Pssssp, hey how you doing? I was just wondering……..since I’m lost, would you mind if I go home with you?
Pssssp, excuse me but I was wondering if you’d be interested in a free ride to my place?

Pssssp, I’m sorry to pssssp at you, but I was wondering if you’re the blind date I’ve been waiting for?

Hello, sorry to bother you but I’d be pissed at myself later if I didn’t at least try to ask you out.

Oh my goodness! You are breath taking……you better get ready to catch me before I faint from lack of air.

O.K, O.K. where is Jesus? He has to be around here somewhere! If he’s letting Angels walk around here, he has to be here somewhere!

Hi! Have you ever laid down on a sleep number bed? Well here’s your chance! My place at 9!

I’ve been trying to come up with something perfect to say to get your attention, but all I could come up with is, you are beautiful.

So where are WE going tonight?

I love you!

Excuse me! Did you just drop something? Here you go; it was just my business card.

Stop, Stop, Stop! I just want to give it up to your parents! They’ve made a remarkable work of art by making you.

I knew there was gold at the end of the rainbow!

DAMNNNN!!!!

My minds telling noooo, but my body, my body’s telling me to do anything I can to get your attention.

Would you mind if we shared this taxi and the rest of our lives together?
Now I know you’ve heard some of those lines before so I’m not going to use them. All I’m going to say is would you do me the pleasure of having dinner with me?

Epiphany

Dark and with certainty, I rebirth myself in hopes of finally cutting the cord of harmfulness. These labor pains are meant to serve as a reminder to never look back into this pit. Scratching, ripping and tearing has to take place in order for cleansing and purification to renew what is covered in darkness. Caring hands awaiting to pull, support and catch me should I get caught up or stumble. Naturally I’ll have to do my part and allow what feels right to be right. Closed eyes throughout the process, operating without a clue to what surrounds me. Then suddenly an epiphany touches the very fiber of my being and just like that I am born. Needing to learn all, I trust in those that surround me. I’ll lean to them for many things, and someday I hope to have them lean on me. No more tears. No more pain. No more harm. I love you guys, though I haven’t shown it lately. Processing the process.

MJ

Go and hug your "Michael" by Maya Angelou...Yesterday I cried watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I cried for a little black boy who felt the world didn't understand him. I cried for a littleblack boy who spent his adulthood chasing his childhood. And I thoughtabout all the young black boys out there who may too feel that the worlddoesn't understand them. The ones who feel that the world does not understandtheir baggy jeans, their swagger, their music, their anger, their struggles,their fears or the chip on their shoulder. I worry that my son, may too,one day will feel lonely in a wide, wide world.I cried for the young children of all colors who may live their life feeling like a misfit, feeling like no one understands their perspective, or their soul. What a burden to carry.As a mother, I cried for Katherine Jackson because no mother should ever bury a child. Period. And I think about all the pain, tears and sleeplessnights that she must have endured seeing her baby boy in inner pain, seeinghim struggle with his self-esteem, and his insecurities and to know he oftenfelt unloved even while the world loved him deeply. How does it feel tothink that the unconditional love we give as mothers just isn't enough to makeour children feel whole? I wonder if she still suffers thinking, "whatmore could I have done?" Even moms of music legends aren't immune to mommyguilt, I suppose.When Rev. Al Sharpton ("who always delivers one" awesome "funeralspeech") said to Michael's children, "Your daddy was not strange...It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with," I thought of all the "strange" things of theworld that my children will have to deal with. Better yet, the things I hopethey won't ever have to deal with anymore.And as a mother raising a young black boy, I feel recommitted and yet a little confused as to how to make sure my son is sure enough within himself totake on the world. Especially a "strange" one. To love himself enough toknow that even when the world doesn't understand you, tries to force youinto its mold or treats you unkindly, you are still beautiful, strong andBlack. How do I do that?Today, I am taking back "childhood" as an inalienable right for every brownlittle one. In a world, that makes children into booty-shaking,mini-adults long before their time, I'm reclaiming the playful, innocent,run-around-outside, childhood as the key ingredient in raising confident adults.Second, I will not rest until my little black boy, MY Michael, knows that hisbroad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and histhick hair is beautiful.And nothing or no one can ever take that away from him."Now aint we bad? And ain't we black? And ain't we fine? ---Maya Angelou


I thought of my lil MJ; Elijah

Wife

Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife.
Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone?
You should reserve it for yourselves.
Never share it with strangers.

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.
Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her love.
Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,
Or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?

10 Things To Know

Here’s the latest useless information that you know you need. Lol! I’m already lol at those of you that will try number 8 and 9.

1.) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

2.) In Utah, a husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. WTF

3.) In Wisconsin it is illegal to kiss on a train and sleep on a train. Now you can have all the sex on a train you’d like but make sure you don’t fall asleep afterward.

4.) The Statue of Liberty is actually a statue of two different people. The face was that of Charlotte Bartholdi, the mother of the designer Frederic Auguste Bartholdi. The sculptor's girlfriend, Jeanne-Emilie, was the model for the statue's arms and body.

5.) Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. Ain’t that some sh**!

6.) The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Even at your desk lol!

7.) The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910 and the youngest pope was 11 years old.

8.) If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

9.) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

10.) The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. Um can someone please inform Red Cross!